Konfusion with a K

Toy Land

2012-02-12T09:36:00.000-08:00

I would like to invite you all to visit a happier time with me; a time where Barbie had bigger boobs and a smaller waist. A time where toy animals were the size of your thumb. A time where an odd amount of toys were intended for bath time and where mechanical toys were less realistic and more maniacal. Come with me as I reminisce about the weirdest toys from my childhood. If you don’t recognize some of these toys, well, my only defense is that I played with toys well past the appropriate age. When most of you were experimenting with makeup, I was hiding in my basement building elaborate estates for my Barbies. Don’t worry, I stopped playing with dolls [by myself] around age 15...

//Tedd Ruxpin

I believe this may have been one of my very first toys. This animatronic daemon read me stories so my parents didn’t have to. His eyes made shifty looks about the room while his mouth moved, clearly not to the words of the story. Was Teddy reading to me, or distracting me with his mouth while he looked around to make sure the coast was clear for stabbing me? I just don’t know.

//Cupcake Dolls

First off, does anyone else find it strange that these dolls didn’t have legs?? I know it was upsetting to me as a child, but I should have been more concerned that toy companies were sending me subliminal messages to eat lots of cupcakes. This doll’s dress flipped up and then her hat was the top of the cupcake. So basically I was told to flip up my skirt and eat a cupcake. Great message to little girls. I have a theory that the cupcake craze of today was kindled by toy companies of yesteryears.

//Shampoodle

This is the first of many bath toys on my list. I can only conclude that either my parents thought I smelled and were trying to get me to bathe more, or pedophiles ran rampant in the toy industry during the 90’s. I had the white shampoodle, She came with a cup and a comb and you used the cup to pour water and soap into her dog tag. Then if you squeezed her tummy, bubbles came out of her head. In what world do you squeeze a puppy and have bubbles come out of her head? I don’t understand the purpose of this toy at all, but I sure loved her.

//Quints

“Quints, Quints, a time for fun! I love taking care of each and everyone one!” These tiny color-coded babies had abnormal amounts of hair for being infants. And where were their mothers? It always upset me when you couldn’t trace the lineage of toys. They weren’t in the Barbie family, so she couldn’t parent them. They were too big for Polly Pocket to intervene, but too small to be my baby. These were the thoughts that plagued me as a child. Also, I bet Octomom had a bunch of these growing up. Still think it was a fun toy for little girls?

//My Buddy/Kid Sister

I didn’t get a kid sister in real life or in my play things. My brother however, did get a my buddy. He also drew a butt crack on said my buddy. He asked that I not call my buddy a “doll” because boys don’t play with dolls…but he was a doll. A terrifying doll that should not to be left alone. They basically took Chuckie and added a happier face and pretended these things weren’t terrifying. You aren’t fooling anyone, Chuckie!

// Little Pretties Kittens and Puppies

I had SO MANY of these! Maybe one in every color. I know I had both of the ones pictured above, but I also recall a white kitten with hot pink hair. Either way, kittens and puppies should definitely not have pig tails or bangs! I am also fairly certain these toys came in some sort of perfume bottle, because that is where pets belong?? I also remember getting some sort of salon that was in the shape of a perfume bottle with all sorts of stuff for doing hair. I actually don’t recall if the perfume salon was an accessory to this toy or another one, but it makes sense in my mind that it went with these guys.

//Puppy Surprise

Probably the most inappropriate of all the toys of my youth. You bought a momma dog not knowing how many puppies she had inside. Then you viciously tore open her Velcro stomach to reveal anywhere from 2-6 puppies. Not okay at all to teach kids to tear open a dog’s tummy to find her babies. It was anatomically inaccurate and creepy! I got 3 puppies in my puppy surprise and my friend Courtney got 6. Want to know why? Because after I got mine, Courtney’s mom’s boyfriend weighed my momma dog, puppies, and the box and came up with an estimate of how much a 6 puppy momma would weigh. He then went to Toys R Us and weighed the boxes until he found one. I was so jealous!! It wasn’t fair that she got 6 puppies while me and my 3 puppies were her control group. The happy ending of this story is that Courtney outgrew all of her toys long before I did and she passed them down to me! That was partially because she was a few years older than me…but my “advanced playing skills” helped lengthen my time to enjoy her toys as well.

//Lil Miss Magic Hair

A) She was dressed like an 80’s hooker. B) Those bangs! If you didn’t have this doll then you’re probably fine. She wasn’t really that cool. She came with this magic brush/wand that had a metal heart at the base of the handle. When you put ice water inside the brush, you could change the colors of her hair. Who knows what kind of chemicals were in here hair to cause that sort of reaction. If I recall, the cold brush made streaks just fine, but I remember the metal heart sucked big time. No matter how you pressed it on her hair, the colorful blob never actually looked like a heart. Also, her shoes did not stay on and were lost in 1.2 days.

//Lil Miss Singing Mermaid

She was probably less fun than her long haired counterpart, although she is another example of a bath toy. When you put batteries in her, she sang out the top of her head. True story. That crown housed a waterproof speaker that had some eerie mermaid song. Supposedly she sang underwater, but for those of us who had her, we know that that muffled noise sounded less like a mermaid singing and more like someone drowning an cast member from Glee. Also, after her first bath those curls never looked the same.

//My Pretty Mermaid

So what was up with our mermaid obsession? It’s like mermaids were the vampires of the 90’s. And seriously with the bath toys! I liked this one because she had pink hair. She did nothing cool though. I guess that is better than being fooled into thinking your mermaid would have underwater singing skills. I guess it was pretty cool that this one’s tail moved; that’s a little more realistic.

//Water Pets

Another bath toy! I had the blue cat and my brother had the red dog…because we believed boys should like dogs and girls should like cats. Our mom loved gender stereotypes. These guys were filled with tiny little beanbag-esqu filler and the fabric was this cold, shiny something. Like a windbreaker. These toys were not cuddly and you had to hang them by that hook on their head so they could dry in the tub. They also became sort of misshapen after too many baths. I guess those beans were not meant to last.

//Rub-a-dub-doggie

You guys, finding the name of this toy was my greatest feat I have accomplished in months! Remember when I wrote about reenacting the water scene from “My Girl” with bath toys? THESE WERE THEM! Well, the miniature version which I still cannot locate a picture of, but you get the idea. We had A TON of these around our house. These are the big ones which my brother and I had, but we also had many, many of the little ones. I could not for the life of me remember what they were called and it has been haunting me since I thought about them. I asked around and all of my friends had no idea what I was talking about and turns out searching terms like “water dog” “bath toy dog” were way too broad. Then I had a magical moment where I found something that said their name. It sounded familiar so I then performed a search with that and they came up! I was having a particularly bad afternoon so the joy I felt when their pictures popped up was probably equal to what I felt when I actually got these toys as a child. These things were THE BEST! I could take them in the bath, I could take them to the pool, I even took them to Bear Lake. When you were done playing with them in the water, their ears dried out and they became land dwellers once again. Not like that crappy mermaid who lost her curls, or my water pet kitten that lost its shape, or shampoodle who got all mildew inside. I love you rub-a-dub-doggie!

Obsession

2012-02-02T22:04:00.000-08:00

I have a new obsession, friends! Don’t worry, Diet Coke and JCrew will never stop being a major part of my life…add Something Corporate/Jack’s Mannequin/Andrew McMahon to that list...and kazoozles…and the movie (500) Days of Summer…I am also relatively preoccupied with my thoughts on how to obtain a pair of Tory Burch flats in every color of the rainbow…and I recently declared my Amazon Prime membership to be the best thing to ever happen to me…and the book The Happiness project changed my life and I tell everyone about it…oh, and remember when I used to do Bikram yoga 5-6 times a week and my car smelled like swass constantly and the girl I drove to work with made me keep the windows down, even in the rain?

Okay, so I have lots of obsessions. I have an addictive personality and I said new obsession so get over it. My new obsession is the artist Gotye (pronounced goh-tee-yay). Guys, he is incredible! I first heard his song, “Somebody that I used to know” when several of my Facebook friends posted the video. These friends were unrelated, so I figured something good must be happening. Oh. Em. Gee! Since I first watched the video, this song has essentially been on repeat on my iPhone. Keep in mind that I have a 30 minute commute to and from work each day and I also listen to music in my office all day. What I am saying is I have heard this song 4,000 times and I still do a hipster shoulder shimmy every time I listen to it. After my 4,001st listen, I decided to download the whole album. I highly suggest you take your fingers to the web and download the album “Making Mirrors”, illegally or legally. I chose legally because I am too lazy to pirate music at this point in my life. My days of sitting on Napster for 3 hours trying to find a version of the song that I liked, and that had a green dot (not red or yellow) next to it, and that finished without terrible noises in the middle, are over. I would rather fork out the $10 and be done with it.

Disclaimer: I realized after typing this out that I was making it sound like I cared more for Gotye then for Something Corporate/Jack’s Mannequin/Andrew McMahon. Andrew, darling, you will always mean more to me than any other musician. I want you to know that I will always be your punk rock princess and you will always be my garage band king.

I have problems, people. Serious problems.

The End of Days

2012-01-29T13:53:00.000-08:00

The other day I was looking up concerts, ya know, just to see if there was anything I might want to attend. Much to my chagrin, I saw these two terrible bands right next to each other:

I almost had a siezure! I got nauseous and light headed and felt like I might blackout and choke on a puddle of my own vomit. I swear on my life if I hear "Pumped up kicks" one more time, I will pump my kick straight into someone's teeth. Neither one of these flock of daemons should be allowed to produce what they think is "music" and they certainly can't consider their flocks to be bands!

I just thank my lucky stars that Creed wasnt on this list! You may not know this, but when those three "bands" unite, the gates of hell actually open and play a mashup of "pumped up kicks/arms wideopen/photograph" and that mashup provides immortality to Nicholas Cage and he will rein this earth forever!
Citizens of Salt Lake, consider yourself warned.

Intruder Alert!

2012-01-10T07:15:00.000-08:00

The story I am about to tell you is 100% factual. It is not based on true events. It is not exaggerated. It is not a joke. The names have been changed to protect the innocent (and not so innocent) ….

Sunday evening I got into bed at an early hour excited to enjoy some Netflix and drift off into slumber. I did those things until suddenly at 12:30am I was startled awake by a man’s voice yelling, “POLICE! COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP!” (Yes, they do in fact say that). My initial thought was that I was having a dream where someone yells and I wake up thinking for sure that really happened (I am prone to having these sorts of dreams). I heard them yell again and then noticed a flashlight shining under my door. At that point I realized this was real life and not a dream. I climbed out of bed, heart racing a million miles a minute. I was completely bewildered and terrified beyond words. I slowly opened the door so as to not get shot and raised my hands in the air as I walked out of my room. Sure enough, there were two officers in my hall way and countless more running throughout the house on a full-on raid. One had a gun pointed at me screaming, “HANDS UP! HANDS UP! GET OUT HERE!” I replied with my hands in the air, “I live here. What is going on?”.

Of course they refused to actually tell me anything. Instead they just yelled at me to come out and direct me into the kitchen. The whole time I was stumbling around, asking what was happening, and going in the wrong directions because so many police officers were yelling different things at me. One would tell me to go get shoes while the other would yell at me to not go back to my room. Basically, it was a cluster-eff of 6 police officers raiding my house, yelling at me, and all of this happening with no explanation. Once they got into the kitchen they asked who was home with me. I told him I didn’t know, you know, because I had been asleep for the last two hours. Apparently he didn’t like that answer because more yelling happened; I told him when I went to bed roommate A was there with a friend. They made me point to where her room was and then proceeded to raid her room and make her and her friend come into the kitchen with me. The three of us stood there totally freaked out and totally unclear as to why we were being rudely pulled out of bed with yelling and guns. Finally one officer decided to stop treating us like criminals and told us there had been a report of an intruder in our home. Neither of us had any idea what they are talking about. I asked if it could have been a bad address, suggesting that perhaps it was a neighboring house who gave the wrong address and was actually being robbed at the moment. They didn’t like my helpful suggestion at all and finally told us that one of our roommates had come home to an unlocked door (not really that strange for our house), saw the lights were off (because we were all asleep) and noticed a truck in front of the house (J’s friend). She got freaked out and left. Finally roommate C arrived and admitted she called the police. Apparently when roommate B left scared she called roommate C to see if she knew what was going on. Roommate C, who was around the corner at a friend’s house, called 911 and said there was an intruder before she came home to find all of our cars in the driveway. Oops! False alarm! Maybe a little overreaction there?

Arguments ensued as to why C didn’t come check before she called the cops and why B thought that those pretty normal things were so scary since clearly A and I were home at the time. The police officers left, but not before stating, “It sounds like you guys have some roommate issues you need to work out so we’ll let you take care of that”. Yeah, not embarrassing at all to have 6 police officers raid your house in the middle of the night and then write it all off as roommate drama.

Basically I didn’t sleep that night. Turns out you don’t get woken up by a yelling police officer with a gun and just drift right back to sleep. Even though nothing actually happened I am still fairly certain I am experiencing some PTSD. Last night when I was in bed I got really freaked out over every little noise. Luckily, I thought to check the driveway before calling the cops and all the noises were just my roommates coming home. Phew! What a close call!

So there you have it, my awesome Sunday night/Monday morning. It was really the perfect way to end my weekend/start my week. I hope you all enjoyed my tale of non-existent intruders, police raids, pajamas and guns. I know I sure didn’t!

Doo Wah Diddy Diddy

2011-12-06T07:00:00.000-08:00

It is really cold in my house you guys. Like so cold that I sleep in 2 pair of pants, a long sleeve shirt, a fleece and 2 socks. I also have 5 blankets on my bed and still wake up with a frozen nose each morning. It is so cold that I am seriously considering purchasing one of these to wear under my normal pj’s. I tell you about my cold, chilly, frigid, icy, frosty, glacial, house so that you know why I ventured to Target this past Saturday. Basically I don’t spend time at home unless I am in bed and bundled up so thick that I can’t bend my knees. I got bored of lying in bed watching “Hoarders” on Netflix, so I decided to get into my car and head to some place far enough that I could defrost via seat warmers and then wander aimlessly in a heated building. What place better fits that criteria than Target? While there I purchased, well, nothing of great necessity. I did find this gem:

Sure that is a great color of nail polish in my favorite brand, and yes I have an addiction to eos chapstick, but the real gem I refer to is my newly obtained copy of “My Girl on DVD”. I literally squealed with joy when I saw that on the shelf! And at $5.00 I felt like I was robbing someone, so I hid it under my arm and made a swift run to the checkout stand. What if another thawing patron had seen that priceless artifact under my arm?! Surely they would have used a food product to spray me in the eyes and steal it! That sort of behavior is usually relegated to Walmart patrons, but when it comes to a $5.00 copy of “My Girl”, I don’t want to know what a classy Target patron would be capable of. When I got home I cradled it in my arm and sang “Doo Wah Diddy Diddy” for a solid 20 minutes (Okay, that didn’t happen. Or did it?) and then I reminisced about my fond memories surrounding my favorite movie, ages 6-10. Now I feel I should share a list of these memories. You get an awesome glimpse into the mind of a really “imaginative” (aka super weird) little girl:

// I got a mood ring after seeing this movie. It was pink and I was completely obsessed. It also pretty much almost told me I was in love, which I totes was – with Macaulay Culkin! Don’t worry that I wrote him a love letter once upon a time. My friend Courtney had a book of celebrity fan mail addresses and you can bet JTT got one too!
// I wanted a peasant shirt like Veda’s SO BAD!!!! I didn’t get one until I was 16 and they came back in style. You can bet that my reasoning behind purchasing that peasant top at Abercombie & Fitch was because it reminded me of Veda, 10 years after I was obsessed.
// I desperately wanted to look like/be Anna Chlumsky. For those of you who weren’t creepily obsessed with this movie, that is the actress who played Veda. I did some research and she hasn’t done much in adult years. Bummer.
// Oh how I wanted Macaulay Culkin to be my neighbor/best friend/one true love…but only if he didn’t die while looking for my lost mood ring.
// I can’t even begin to tell you how often I played “My Girl”. Sometimes it was alone in the backyard, other times it was with my friend Courtney and we both had to be Veda (twin sisters, both named Veda) and there were twin Thomases. It got a little complicated but we made it work because that is what best friends do.
// Possibly the strangest “My Girl” play occurred with my water pups. I think that is what they were called. They were these little plastic dogs that were colorful and had terrycloth ears so they could go in the tub. I had this purple one that had a removable yellow hat and my brother had one that was white with blue and red spots. I stole his so it could be Thomas and mine could be Veda. I filled up the sink and re-enacted the water scenes with my water pups. It’s okay to start judging my childhood about now.
// This was the first movie I cried at. It set the stage for every other movie that makes me cry…”A Walk to Remember”….”The Notebook”….”Rabbit Hole”….”Horton Hears a Who”…. “How to Train your Dragon”…
// “My Girl 2” SUUUUUUUUUUUCKED!!! I refused to admit that back then because I was so obsessed and so excited for its release, but it was crazy lame. I never needed Veda to go beyond saying, “Don’t worry, Thomas J will be alright. My mom will take care of him”.

I honestly sort of feel like I owe this blog to “My Girl”. I was in the writing club at my Elementary and was made fun of for it (I think everything listed above explains that I was pretty used to being made fun of though). I stayed in the writing club, which I loved, because Veda was in a poetry class even though it was weird. My advisor, Mrs. Meastas told my mom I was really talented for my age and that I understood writing concepts and styles that most people don’t get until later in life. That encouragement from Mrs. Meastas is the reason I kept writing, love writing and essentially why I keep writing on this blog. Basically what I am saying is that “My Girl” shaped my life. Now if you’ll excuse me, I am going to get a box of tissues and wait for Veda to yell that Thomas J can’t see without his glasses.

Think Fast: Get Ready in 10 minutes or less

2011-11-03T15:00:00.000-07:00

Guys, I love LC. I love her so, so, sooooo much! If you don’t know who LC is then you should crawl back under your stupid rock with the people who didn’t see Bridesmaids or who didn’t know who The Situation was. I mean I know that not everyone is obsessed with pop culture like me, but get with the program people! LC = Lauren Conrad, star of my 2 most favorite shows of all time: The Hills and Laguna Beach (seasons 1 &2). I read her website and I am not ashamed of that. Today she posted this little guy on getting ready in 10 minutes. I mean absolutely no disrespect to Ms. Conrad, but I had to laugh because I get ready in 10 minutes on a regular basis and I can promise my “roll out of bed” look does not involve cheek stain or pre-planned emergency outfits. I decided to gift you all with a realistic list of go-to items when you wake up late and have to rush to the office…

1. Cushion your time with clothes. By this I mean grab whatever you first see. It can be hanging in the closet, it can be laying on your floor…heck, it can even be in your laundry basket. If it matches then to hell with anything else! Really my only rule is don’t wear the exact same thing 2 days in a row (the exception to that rule is Sunday to Monday. Anything flies on Monday because Sunday was probably a pretty good outfit and none of your coworkers saw you then anyway). The only cautionary item I would advise on is smell. If you are pulling from a crumpled mess, give her a wiff to see if you are going to reek of B.O. all day. If the answer is yes then pick the next, less smelly option.

2. Use your stash of double duty beauty products. The thing about this is that I barely have my single duty beauty products. Even on a normal work day I don’t really do my makeup. Why on earth would I bother on a morning where I don’t have time? I save the real makeup for the fancy things like going to watch a movie with a cute boy, or going to a party with a cute boy, or going to cuddle with a cute boy…basically what I am saying is if a cute boy isn’t involved then eye shadow isn’t involved either. My suggested emergency beauty routine involves the old clumpy mascara in your purse, some chapstick and maybe, just maybe some foundation applied at stop lights.

3. Know your knots. Wait, there are other hair options besides “greasy-sick-bun” when you’re in a rush? Color me surprised!

4. Eat on the go. This actually happens every morning so just carry on as usual.

5. Arrive with grace. Yeah, I don’t really do that. On a good morning my arriving with grace involves wearing my sunglasses until I get inside and sipping on my DC for a minute while I wake up. The bad mornings mean I am probably not taking those same sunnies off until I get to my desk and I probably have 2 cans of DC in my purse along with a donut. I will probably be a real hag to deal with the rest of the day too! As mentioned above, I will likely be in a semi-smelly outfit that is wrinkled and probably has a stain on it somewhere.

I hope you find these tips helpful!

Wait, who?

2011-10-11T20:28:00.000-07:00

You guys, I don’t like Nicki Minaj that much. I just don’t. She was in my face, stalking all of America for a solid 4 months before I even knew why I should know who she was. Everyone was all “Nicki Minaj” this “big ass and crazy hair” that, and I was all, “Huh? Who? Why is that lady wearing a leopard print unitard?”. Seriously, she has to have an awesome PR person because we all knew who she was without knowing why we should know who she was. The media tricked us good on that one! Fast forward to the actual release of her singles and all I can say is, Meh. She’s alright and stuff, but I don’t find talking really fast about your butt or whatever particularly fascinating. I have a big butt and no one talks about it! (at least I hope they don’t! I’ll be super sad and self conscious if I find out you guys all really just talk about the size of my butt behind my back! I KNOW I HAVE A SIZABLE BUTT! IT”S GENETIC AND WILL NEVER GO AWAY NO MATTER HOW THIN I GET!!!!!!)

So my feelings about Ms. Minaj brought me to this video. I am sure you have all encountered it by now as it has been showing up on every social media feed 4 times a day for the past 2 weeks. I have a lot of emotions about this video and they can be summed up in one question:

Should I find this adorable, or should I inform DCFS that there are parents out there who are allowing their young and impressionable daughter to learn every lyric to a Nicki Minaj song?

Guys, I am leaning towards the latter.

You guys, I just have no idea why I'm single...

2011-09-22T17:30:00.000-07:00

Backseat Judger

2011-09-20T19:03:00.001-07:00

Coming at you live from the mom lady's unnecessarily large SUV, complete with weird smell and stickers on the inside of the windows. We are making the trek to the dreaded Utah county to attend a reception for my nearly under age cousin. As we venture further and further into hell, this was the conversation with my 10 year old brother:

Sam: "How old is Amy?"
Mom: "She's Geoff's age, so she just turned 20"
Sam: ....
Me: "Stop right there! I don't want to hear it!"
Sam: (snickering)
Me: "I know what you're thinking back there and just don't say it!"
Sam: "WELL YOU'RE 26 AND YOU'RE STILL NOT MARRIED!!!!!"

You know you've reached a new level of singlehood when the judgement and frustration seeps down from the grandparents and parents to the children.

Misguided Suggestions

2011-09-20T07:29:00.000-07:00

For your reading pleasure, I present to you my family’s quotes on my dating life (all of which have been said within the past 7 days)…

“You look nice in that photo, but maybe you should take it off facebook. It could be scaring potential dates off. They might think he’s your boyfriend” – My Mother, in reference to the above photo where my obviously 16 year old brother looks obviously uncomfortable with being on the receiving end of my hug..

“I know what your problem is! You are just looking for the hotties and not for the nice guys!” – My 10 year old brother’s epiphany upon hearing that I wasn’t attracted to a guy I had gone out with.

“You know, maybe you should put yourself on KSL or something. It worked for Daren!” – My Grandmother, who is clearly a little confused as to the difference between dating sites and sites where you sell your unwanted crap.

Decoys

2011-09-15T21:39:00.001-07:00

Since Entertainment Weekly obviously reads my blog and steals my ideas, I am throwing another one out there in case NBC is looking for a new show. This show will require one key element: Chris Hansen. If you have never seen “To Catch a Predator” then I am sorry that you are the most ignorant person alive and you should just stop reading this right now. Honestly, it is the best show to ever grace network television! My dream job would be to be a decoy on “To Catch a Predator”. Unfortunately, the last few years have begun to weather my face a little and I can no longer pass as a 14 year old…not that I ever could! Thanks to my blasted genetics I have been 5’9” since I was in the 8th grade! There is nothing inticing to a pedophile about a 5’9” woman who has been considering botox in her forehead for the past year!

Back to my show: This is kind of a hybrid show that I have come up with. Basically, I will be pirating the concept behind “To Catch a Predator” and putting it in the blender with “Toddlers and Tiaras”. The show will be titled, “To Catch an Unfit Parent”. NBC will put on toddler beauty pageants, complete with decoy toddlers and decoy stage moms. Cameras follow the parents around under the guise that they will be putting them on a show about those tiny, creepy beauty queens. Then, after the parents have been caught giving their 4 year old diet pills and forcing them to go tanning, the beauty pageant’s MC will disappear to stage left to “go change into a bathing suit” and BAM! Chris Hansen will walk out. He will calmly introduce himself, “Hi, I’m Chris Hansen with dateline NBC”. Then he will invite the parents to sit down while he interrogates them about their questionable child rearing skills. After a suitable amount of excuses from the parents, all being disproved with emails in Chris Hansen’s hand, he will allow them to leave the auditorium. Then, once outside, DCFS will appear and tackle the unfit parent to the ground and use those plastic ties to restrain them!

Tell me I am not on to something! All I ask is that when NBC steals my “To Catch an Unfit Parent” idea, they allow me to be a decoy parent. My predator decoy days are behind me, but you can still give me this!

This is getting weird...

2011-09-14T14:49:00.001-07:00

You guys, it has now been 2 weeks since I told the world of my desires to catch up with my favorite teen heartthrob and I am now more convinced than ever that Entertainment Weekly answered my call/stole my idea. Would you believe that they posted an interview with Jonathan Taylor Thomas TODAY on his plans to revive his career?!?!?!?!?!? All I am saying is that they should pay me to be their writer/idea person since I clearly initiated the revival of JTT! You are welcome world!!

You're SO Welcome!

2011-09-09T06:42:00.000-07:00

You guys, I’m not tooting my own horn here or anything but I am pretty certain that my letter to JTT had something to do with this:

That’s right! Just one week after I begged JTT to come show his pretty face, this photo was released! Apparently Entertainment Weekly is doing a special reunion photo shoot. I am fully taking credit on this one guys. EW can say they had planned this for a while or whatever, but we all know they obvs read my blog and got the idea from me. YOU’RE WELCOME, ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY!!

It's Rex Manning Day!!

2011-09-01T07:04:00.000-07:00

JK, its not! But bonus points if you can tell me what that's from?
(Hint: The fat man walks alone)

Do you know what day it really is though? UTAH FOOTBALL KICKOFF DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Most of you know I have been a die hard Ute fan since I was in the womb, so naturally this is my favorite day of the year! I am manifesting good things for my boys this season, even though I'm really not a huge Jordan Wynn fan (prove me wrong Jordan) and I'm extra nervy about our new conference. Manifesting, you guys. We will have an incredible season! Wynn will go more than 3 games without injuries! We will show the nation what we're made of, just like we did in New Orleans!

GO UTES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

An open letter to JTT

2011-08-31T07:42:00.000-07:00

Dear JTT,

Why you hidin’ from us? I feel like it isn’t fair for you to spend the 90’s intoxicating all of us with your smile and raspy voice, just to disappear when we need you most. I realize you have made a handful of appearances in TV shows that I don’t watch, but you haven’t really been in my life since “I’ll be home for Christmas” which was released in 1998. That means I haven’t seen an aged version of my childhood love in a solid 13 years and that is just unacceptable!

Johnathan, I feel like you don’t understand what you have done in abandoning me and all of the other twenty something girls and gay boys out here. Do you realize that my brother’s middle name is Taylor because I was 10 when he was born and I really, really wanted him to be named after you? He is 16 years old now and has no idea who his middle namesake even is! That, kind sir is a travesty! You plastered my walls as a child and then you just vanish into thin air?! I mean, even Devon Sawa (who I loved much less than you) still graces my celebrity gossip sites occasionally.

In closing, pretty, pretty please with a cherry on top, come out of hiding. We need you now more than ever! Maybe you could just attend some fundraiser for AIDS or something. Let us know you’re alive and still handsome. If you are no longer handsome, then please, please stay hidden. I don’t want my memories tarnished with a fatter version of Randy Taylor.

With all the love in my heart,

Kiki

Well Adjusted Adult

2011-08-29T18:08:00.000-07:00

How can you tell I am a well adjusted adult? Because upon discovering that an old crush has a new girlfriend my natural reaction was to facebook stalk her and then proceed to show a picture of her to all of the men in my life, including my brothers, to get validation that I was prettier than her. When my 20 year old brother said, “yeah, she’s not that hot” I yelled at him that “not that hot” wasn’t good enough, so he told me I was prettier than her. He was implying the same thing, he just needed to clarify a little.

I AM PRETTIER THAN HER YOU GUYS! And you know what? Sometimes a gal needs a little validation, even if it comes from your 6 best guy friends, your uncle and your 3 brothers. This action is in no way a reflection on my level of self esteem.

Cohabitation Nation

2011-08-23T20:48:00.000-07:00

As previously mentioned, my life is in a major overhaul phase. I am here to announce the most noteworthy of the life changes. No, I'm not becoming a model as you might have guessed from that breathtaking photo above; I will be transitioning from single condo dweller into cohabitation. Whoa, don’t jump to conclusions there! I did not meet the man of my dreams over the weekend…actually I might have, but that’s a story for another time. The cohabitation that I am referring to is taking up residence in a house with three other girls. The house is real close to where I grew up, it is near my social scene (or lack thereof), and the girls that live there are awesome! I am really, really excited to have people to talk to other than Bob (Bob meaning the Bob Dylan painting on my wall…yes, I have been known to address him whilst living alone). The big move happens September 1st and I feel so great about it! I have been trying to sort out my living situation for a while and everything just fell into place with this house. I feel like that is when things are really right – when you don’t have to force them. I need someone to remind me that I said that the next time I am dating some dude who is being a jerk. You guys got my back on that one? Cool, thanks.

So yes, cohabitation nation is headed my way in just over a week. As excited as I am, I know I am going to have to make some adjustments to my lifestyle (noted by how often I talk about spending time pantsless). Now I present you with the things I am going to have to change/will miss from being in cohabitation…

// All of my pantsless time will be now relegated to my room; no more walking to the kitchen pantsless to get my bowl of ice cream

// I am going to need to invest in a robe as I am certain that my naked trips from the bathroom to the bedroom will no longer fly

// The amount of time I spend sitting in the bathroom sink picking at my face will need to be limited

// It probably won’t be appropriate for me to randomly burst into song anymore

// I am going to have to start shutting the bathroom door while I go to the bathroom

// No. more. shoe closet. I have literally no idea where I am going to house all of my pretties

// My loud, obnoxious laugh might have to be muffled while I watch Happy Endings to avoid judgment from the other rooms

// I might need to change my eating habits. If these girls knew how obsessed I am with corndogs and cup of noodles right now, they might not want me living there.

// My impromptu dance parties will be less elaborate and more just shaking it in my room while my head phones are on.

// I won’t be able to make excuses about things I have to do so that I can lay around pantsless. They will know I am just in my room, and if my door is closed they will be correctly assuming that I am pantsless

// I am going to need to find some awesome sweats or something to makeup for the fact that I will have to wear pants 90% of my time at home

Hooray for cohabitation!!!

Homegirl on a budget

2011-08-18T17:45:00.000-07:00

I am going through a serious, awesome, eventful life transformation right now. More details are coming, but step one was to take time to sit down and figure out what really, truly makes me happy. My first thought on the path to enlightenment was about my natural reaction to a bad day – to buy something. Case in point: I have 2 pair of designer sunglasses in my bag as I type this (and probably 6 other pairs at home. You can never have too many sunnies!). The Ralph Lauren pair is from a fight I had with this douche bag I was dating. The Marc Jacobs pair is because I felt sad that I wasn’t the skinniest girl at the pool one day. Let it be known that I also have a pair of hot pink Guess pumps, some peace sign earrings, and like 3 pair of Hudson jeans as a result of fights with that same douche bag. Did those clothing items really change how that DB made me feel? Nope, but telling him to suck it and standing up for myself would have! That was a rough year and there are clearly some deep-rooted issues brewing in my thought process, so I am starting to remedy that by putting myself on a budget. I have budgeted for everything from gas to groceries to entertainment. My food budget has brought me to the edge…

This, my friends is the pinnacle of my poor, single girl life. I hope you will keep reading my blog even after you have seen that I live off of freeze-dried, white trash foods.

Summer Girls

2011-08-17T18:22:00.000-07:00

I would like to start off by saying that I have a serious soft spot for Abercrombie & Fitch. The first time I heard Rich Cronin of LFO (may he rest in peace) sing that he liked girls that wore Abercrombie & Fitch, I knew I had to have it; I had to be that girl! Shortly after that song became my fave, a store opened in Provo and I took all my hard earned babysitting money and bought 2 shirts. I could not have been more proud of those two clearance rack shirts! My love affair with Abercrombie & Fitch continued well into college when my bestie was a manager for one of their stores. I took advantage of that discount and surrounded myself with the best friends/staff members that Abercrombie had to offer. Basically, Abercrombie & Fitch played a very important, superficial role in my life, but then I grew up. When I was 7 I realized my imaginary friend was ridiculous and when I was 21 I realized that Abercrombie & Fitch was even more ridiculous.

Why the history on my relationship with Abercrombie & Fitch? Well, they have recently made the news with something more ridiculous then what they charge for the ½ yard of fabric that they call a skirt…they have actually offered to pay Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino to stop wearing their clothes because they are concerned that he might tarnish their brand. For those of you who have been living in a remote village in the Andes for the past 2 years (or under a stupid rock), The Situation is a gentleman of Italian decent that has become popular as a result of a television show that airs on Music Television, “The Jersey Shore”. This show follows 7 individuals, or guidos and guidettes as they prefer to be called, as they live their slutty, alcohol infused lives. It is absolute gold (if gold is trash) and you should definitely watch it (if you love trash like I do).

So Abercrombie & Fitch, You are concerned about The Situation tarnishing your brand? That is the thing that crosses the line for you? Interesting. Where was that concern when you started making lacy thongs and padded bikinis for 6 year old girls? Or when you started creating your own moose-shaped hole in the ozone layer by spraying “Fierce” in your stores every 30 minutes (that is a fact)? And let’s not forget about all of those pesky discrimination lawsuits. I have it on good authority that managers were trained to essentially discriminate against other races as they recruited. They also make the heavier or less attractive staff work in the back stocking. I am just skimming the surface of things that Abercrombie & Fitch has done to tarnish their own brand. Furthermore, the company has been bleeding money for the past several years and has had to do layoffs all over the place, but they can afford to pay The Situation to stop wearing their clothes? Your stores smell like a guido, 90% your staff looks like guidos, and I’m sure guidos are the only ones down with putting their 6 year olds in thongs. Maybe you guys should just get over yourselves, recognize the fact that you have become the joke of the fashion world and accept that guidos are the only ones left shopping at your stores. Embrace the free marketing that The Situation is giving you! Idiots…

Me Time

2011-08-11T21:45:00.000-07:00

Three times in the past week I have lied about being busy so that I could lay in my bed pantsless, eating ice cream and watching TV. It's becoming an issue you guys.

Don't worry though, I've started biking places. Hopefully the biking counteracts the ice cream in bed thing. I also wear pants when I bike, so I have that going for me too.

Note to the reader: I also don't look sad like the girl in the picture. I'm actually quite happy while I'm eating my ice cream in bed.

Mob Wives

2011-07-14T17:56:00.001-07:00

You guys obvs know I like funny things, but you might not know that I have a total girl crush on Sophia Bush. You also might not know that I live and breathe for trashy reality TV...

Behold! The ultimate trifecta:
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/4fc0d632b5/mob-wives-with-sophia-bush-drea-de-matteo

The ol' hike n' dance

2011-07-13T17:40:00.000-07:00

Dear father and son that encountered me on my hike up millcreek,

I would like to formally apologize for what you walked up on last night. You see, I had some endorphins pumping through my system having recently reached a very nice overlook of the Salt Lake Valley. I had also just changed my ipod over to Ellie Goulding. If you are familiar with Ellie Goulding then you understand that her music is impossible to not dance to. The aforementioned factors explain why, on the downhill portion of my hike, I was doing a little half hike/half dance down. If it is any consolation, I assure you that moment was as awkward for me as it was for you. Please accept my apology and do not let that event deter you from that hike again. It really is a lovely hike.

Sincerely,
Kirsten aka the weird girl you saw dancing on her hike up Millcreek canyon

Ahhh! The single life...

2011-07-08T06:20:00.000-07:00

I know most of you that read my blog are murried and I don’t mean to make ya’ll jelly or anything, but there are some serious perks to the single life! I mean, sure I have to deal with the crippling insecurities that come with casual dating, but there are a few perks too. I use the term “casual dating” loosely as I truly believe it is the most ironic of all oxy morons. There is absolutely nothing casual about the dating world, ever! Take it from someone who regularly spends hours getting ready just to go eat a snow cone and pretend to care about some dude’s intramural softball team, the Blue Balls. I don’t care and I don’t think your team name is clever. It’s just gross and immature. Oh, and the “casual” t-shirt and jeans combo generally takes about 45 minutes and several changes to pick out. What part of that sounds casual you guys? I beg of you to tell me! People who say that casual dating is fun are lying to you. Get real! But I digress….

Back to the perks….there are some! It donned on me last weekend when I decided to spend my Saturday night doing laundry, eating takeout and watching “From Prada to Nada”, that there are some perks to not having anyone else around. That night was one of them. It was pretty awesome to do nothing and watch a bad movie while eating delicious food. It got me thinking about other perks….

// I can put egg whites on my face as a mask to get rid of my zits and no one has to know...except you guys now.
// I have a shoe closet! A closet just for shoes! It’s like opening the door to nirvana every morning and I don’t have to share that space with anyone!
// I get to eat dinner in my bed pretty much every night.
// I can consume 4 cans of diet coke in one hour and no one tells me I’m an addict or that it is disgusting…It’s not and I’m not, you guys!
// I get to have impromptu dance parties in my room as often as I like!
// I can opt to drink out of a mason jar just because I like to, and no one questions me…I don’t use none of them fancy glasses unless company is over!
// I can tell someone I have to get home to do some housework when really I am going home to lay in bed with my pants off.
// I get to let my really loud, obnoxious laugh ring through the air while I watch “Happy Endings”…sans pants and sans shame.
// I can hold off on texting a guy back because I want to seem busy…allow me to reiterate that this is done on a night when I’ve spent the evening laying around pantsless.
// I get to come home on a hot afternoon, take my pants off and eat ice cream while I pray for cooler weather.
// I don’t have to wear pants around the house, like, ever!

Are you guys totes jelly of my life? You should be!

Good Quote by an Amazing Man

2011-07-07T19:33:00.000-07:00

"It is funny how mortals always picture us as putting things into their minds: in reality our best work is done by keeping things out."
— C.S. Lewis (The Screwtape Letters)

Saturday is a special day...it's the day I go to the pool!

2011-07-02T15:11:00.002-07:00

I belong at the pool. I live for Saturday afternoons at Stiener's. Today, I bring you my never-shared-before, thoughts from the pool:

- Would it be totally weird of me to ask the stranger to trade magazines with me when she's done?
- Oh good! The lunatic fringe crew is here (in reference to the tatted hipsters all in black with wayfarers on as they arrive at the pool...it's 95 out here. You can take the black off, you tools!)
- I want a soft pretzel, but I don't want to bloat (my vanity overcame my craving)
- Pretty sure its not okay for a married dude to be alone at the pool, sitting next to the single girls, eyeing us through his oakleys...we know you're doing it. They aren't that dark.
- So...very....sweaty!
- Holy crap! That girl is in sweat pants! You could not pay me to be in sweat pants right now!
- I want ice cream.
- I need a nap (and I then accidentally took one)
- Stephen Coletti is such a fool! Who breaks up with LC AND Kristin Cavalleri?!
- Kyle Howard is an even bigger fool! Breaking up with LC because he wants to be the next Di Niro? Who picks Di Niro as their inspiration? And no one knows who you are!
- Gross! Pool of sweat in my belly button. Eeeeeeew!
- Too...freaking...hot....must...leave...

And there you have it. My day at the pool ladies and gents.

Best. Weeks. Ever.

2011-06-23T17:28:00.000-07:00

Great things are happening y'all! I won't go into giddy details, but the last two weeks have been absolutely tops! (I'm trying to incorporate british words into my vocab again...but I won't add u's to words. I hate favourite colours!) so many people have made my weeks grand but I'm just going to stick with the highlights:

First of all, Taking Back Sunday put on one of the best shows I've ever seen! For the record, I did not let their music talk me into anything. I couldn't hear until 1pm the next day, I haven't sweat that much in years and the little girls in front of us didn't know what a keytar was...but that show was incredible and the company was too! (you can't tell but Adam was crazy close to us here)

Next, on Friday one of my oldest friends got married! It was a lovely dinner with lovely dancing and lovely friends. Congrats to Sars and Arni-Elei! I love you guys!

Now the most exciting news of all! Notice how Amanda is on the verge of popping in the above picture? Well she did! Baby boi was born about a month early but he was healthy and adorbs!! I loved snuggling him at the hospital and I can't wait to snuggle him for years to come! I love you Amanda, B and Baby B! I am soooo lucky to know you guys!

Summer School

2011-06-15T06:45:00.000-07:00

Alright class, its time for a pop quiz! It’s a multiple choice and the answers will be given at the end of this blog entry. You have 4 minutes to complete this quiz and no notes or calculators may be used. Your time begins NOW!

1. Do you know who is awesome?

A. Oprah
B. Serena Williams
C. Nickelback
D. Taking Back Sunday

2. In college I once made the decision to kiss a frat boy based on the lyrics to which song:

A. “A decade under the influence” – TBS (Anyone will do tonight. Close your eyes just settle)
B. “We belong together” – Mariah Carey (Come back, baby because we belong together)
C. “Bubbly” – Colbie Caillet (You make me smile. Please stay for a while now)
D. “Figured you out” – Nickelback (Now I know who you are. It wasn’t that hard. To figure you out)

3. What concert am I going to tonight?

A. Nickelback
B. Taking Back Sunday
C. Yo Gabba Gabba
D. Manhiem Steamroller

4. Will I make the same decision I made 7 years ago, tonight (refer to question 2)?

A. Absolutely! You never learn from your mistakes.
B. No Way! You have way too much self respect now.
C. There’s a pretty good chance. It wasn’t really that poor of a decision.
D. Only time will tell…but you certainly can’t rule anything out.

Times up! Put your pens down. I will now give you the correct answers:

1. D. Taking Back Sunday. If you answered Nickelback, I get to kick you swiftly in the face.
2. A. A Decade Under the Influence. Those lyrics literally went through my head. Bummer for him if he reads this blog and finds out that I did that. Sorry, man. I was in a really weird place in life. Also, if you answered Nickelback to that one, I get to kick you in the face until you bleed.
3. B. Taking Back Sunday. I am so stoked!! I mean, I once allowed them to talk me into kissing someone. Obvs I am a big fan! Again, if Nickelback was your answer, I am no longer your friend. Facebook deleted and everything!
4. D. Only time will tell….but I certainly can’t rule anything out. A lady never kisses and tells so I would never post about that on here…unless you are the aforementioned frat boy (sorry again!) so if you want to know, you will just have to text me tomorrow to find out!

It's a sales job

2011-06-08T21:51:00.000-07:00

I was out late on Saturday…late for me meaning past 11:00pm. I wasn’t even out for one of the 2 good reasons to stay up past midnight, but that is beside the point. I guess my late night must have made things a little wonky because at some point around 1:30ish, I actually thought it relevant to google, “annual income for a stripper”. Dead serious guys. I don’t remember why I was looking that up and I swear I wasn’t on anything, but I just needed to know in that moment how much money strippers make. I learned that it can be upwards of $300K if you’re good at your stripping ways and stay off the drugs. But this little paragraph is what really caught my eye:

It’s a sales job guys, not a dancing job, so go to school so you can make sure you know how to best use your daddy issues to get the most tips. Dolla, dolla bill ya’ll!

P.S. It was apparently at 1:22 am. Thanks, iPhone for documenting my momentary lapse in judgment.

P.P.S. I was home alone in bed, watching TV when I felt the need to look this up so I really just have no solid explanation for why I felt this information was pertinent.

P.P.P.S. If you are curious as to what the 2 good reasons to stay up past midnight are, just shoot me a text and I will elaborate.

Its called civil rights. This is the 90's.

2011-05-23T23:09:00.000-07:00

Remember that time that I gave up on my grateful-off? Yeah, I do too. I kind of knew I would, but it was a good try. Life just gets real busy ya’ll!

So what have I been so busy doing for the past week? Oh, just seeing the movie Bridesmaids THREE times. I am super proud of it too! For some reason I think that seeing the same funny movie 3 times in a 6 day period makes me far superior to those who have only seen it once or twice. Really it probably makes me pathetic, but I am sticking with my plan to feel superior. If you haven’t seen it yet, stop reading this NOW and get yourself to the next showing. Seriously, go NOW!

I trust if you are still reading this that you have already seen the movie, because if you didn’t do as I said above I am not really sure why you even bother reading my blog. Clearly you don’t really care about me as a person if you disregard such sage advice. Seriously though – SO FUNNY!!! I laughed harder than I did in The Hangover! I had tears running down my face at some points. Oh, and I am pretty sure I am Annie. I think that’s something I should feel sad about, but she is funny so I will take that as a compliment from myself.

Thank you, Kirsten. That is really nice of you to compare me to the character of Annie. I like her!

You’re so welcome, Kirsten! You are SOOOOOO funny! No wonder all of these people read your blog.

Oh, Kirsten! You’re too kind.

It appears my funk has ended since I am now complimenting myself constantly. Funk ended, but sanity now questionable. Who cares! The greatful-off was a success! That is really why I gave up on it. Yeah, it was the success that made me stop doing it. It had nothing to do with laziness or me being a goal-quitter, obviously.

These Guys

2011-05-12T21:37:00.000-07:00

My dear friend Sharon who taught me so much about listening and following your heart
Early morning workouts
Flip-flops
(500) Days of Summer
These guys:

Happy Endings

2011-05-11T18:24:00.000-07:00

Have you guys been watching the new show Happy Endings? No? Oh, that’s right…I am one of like 4 people who love that show. But I do love it and I want you all to go check it out and love it too so that it doesn’t get taken away from me! It’s all I have! Please!?!

Moving on… Basically, Happy Endings is a newer version of Friends. It’s great because I am now old enough to relate to and appreciate the situations the characters get in to, unlike when I was 14 and watching Friends (no disrespect intended). So I was watching Happy Endings the other day when my 16 year old brother walked in and it turns out that he is also 1 of the 4 people that loves it. We began a discussion of its hilarity and our favorite characters and I told him that I was concerned that I am Penny, the funny yet neurotic one. I was hoping he would disagree, but he quickly changed the subject. They learn young how to get out of a lady-trap. This all brings me to today. Happy Endings is on tonight (YAY!) so I was thinking about that conversation and his lack of answer. Behold the conversation I had with my brother via text:

Me: I’m Penny, aren’t I?
Austin: Yes

Just like that! No cushion to the blow, no “but she’s the funniest” or anything; just a resounding confirmation that I am indeed the neurotic one. Allow me to give you Wikipedia’s character description of Penny Hartz:
“The group’s desperate and single friend who constantly worries that she’ll never find the right guy”

Umm, yeah. My brother said that about me. I’m not desperate, right? What’s that? My begging you to watch this show so that it’s not taken away from me because it’s all I have, came off as desperate? Well this is awkward then.

Let’s just move on to my gratitude list for today and ignore my desperation and obsession over finding the right man:

The show Happy Endings (obvs)
My new salad holder
Goosey (aka my brother Austin)
The awful waitress I had last night who provided me with weeks of jokes
Pretzels

I heart Andrew McMahon

2011-05-10T21:51:00.000-07:00

Andrew McMahon and his musical genius
Short work days
Ranch dressing
Friends that text you all day while you're bored at a symposium
The tools I have to help get me through discouraging times

I am insanely tired and still posting.

2011-05-09T22:13:00.000-07:00

Dash fitness studio
Pickles
Gel nails
Babies
My bed

Dia De La Madres

2011-05-08T20:16:00.000-07:00

My mom
My Gma
My aunts
My friends moms' who have always been wonderful mothers to me!
My friends that have mothers for being my friends

Much love to all the mothers out there.

Did you notice how nice it was outside today?

2011-05-07T22:57:00.000-07:00

Sales at JCrew
Nights in the park
Flowers
Walks in the park
Sleeping in

Day too

2011-05-06T19:38:00.000-07:00

College…specifically the University of Utah
My sense of humor
Words with Friends (if you haven’t checked out that app, do it.)
My camelback water bottle
The Temple

I was only like 3/5th materialistic today. We are making progress.

Grateful-off!

2011-05-05T15:56:00.000-07:00

I'm just going to cut to the chase on this one: I have been in an epic funk lately. There have been a lot of changes in my life and I am kind of hating on lots of things right now. Not that any of these changes are terrible, but I just don’t care too much for them and it has put me in a pretty sour mood. I have a fear that if I don’t stop this funk, it could turn me into that bitter, negative girl that people start avoiding because she is constantly in a bad mood. Then I'll stop trying and start gaining weight at rapid speeds and I'll buy 4 cats. I hate cats and I have a phobia of getting fat, so I just can’t allow this. In an attempt to keep my spirits high and my gloominess at bay, I have decided to challenge myself to a grateful-off!

Starting today I will be posting 5 things that I am grateful for on a daily basis. They will be in no particular order (obvs) and they will be new every day. I will keep this up until the end of May (or until I give up on my own challenge. I am not a very good goal-finisher. Stop it, Kirsten! You are being positive now!).

Today I am grateful for:

The sun shining outside
My iPhone
Diet Coke
JCrew Cardigans
My AppleTV

Okay, so I am starting off pretty shallow. I think we established that I am grumpy so it might take me some time to warm up to the bigger picture. Or maybe I will prove myself to be the most shallow, materialistic girl you’ve ever encountered. We’ll see…

2011-05-01T15:46:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time I had this Great Grandma that lived in this quaint house on 9th east. She had coloring books under her sofa and fig newtons in her fridge. She also performed Indian rain dances upon occasion. When I was 5ish, the alzheimers got the best of her so we moved her to a home in Canada. She lived up there for another 8ish years and sang dirty limericks up until her death. It was awesome…the limericks, not her death. That was sad. But she also started me on my salt and pepper shaker collection.

The current members of the family:

When she moved from the quaint house on 9th east, she bestowed upon me some ceramic salt and pepper shakers. There were several sets, but the one I remember is a kangaroo and her baby. Kangaroos were and still are my favorite animal so I loved those ones! Obviously a 5 year old is not to be trusted with ceramic things, so who knows what became of them. The problem is, I want the kanga and roo salt and pepper shakers. Bad. If there was a salt and pepper shaker stalker, it would be me. I spend a lot of time online looking for a match. I have found many similar ones, but they do not match the image engraved in my mind’s eye. I once found the exact set, but they were all chipped and kanga was missing an ear. Another time I found a perfect match on etsy and said I’d be back later to buy it. I was too late.

Please, help me find these salt and pepper shakers. They are the founding members of my collection and they belong with their family. Your help is appreciated.

On a side note: My friend Ryan told me that my salt and pepper shaker collection might be scaring men off. My other friend Ryan told me my collection "made him sad for me". I am guessing this blog post isn’t going to help either.

Babes

2011-04-28T20:56:00.000-07:00

Amanda aka Panti is with child

That means a baby shower! Notice the baby in this photo. Jane aka Jems used to be with child and little Eliza Jane is the adorable result of that.

I love my bestie's and I love their offspring just as much!

Ode to Old People

2011-04-28T15:51:00.000-07:00

These are my Grandparents.

1 wedding, 5 kids, 5 grandkids and a massive heart attack later, they are celebrating their 50th anniversary. There are a million reasons why I love both of them, but on this special occasion I would like to list a few:

Grandpa:
He instilled in me a love for all things University of Utah. That may seem silly to most, but it is something I am passionate about and that I love to share with him. Some of my fondest/earliest memories with my Grandpa involve football or basketball games at the U. I specifically remember the football game where it rained the whole time and I was in nothing but red biker shorts and an oversized Utah T-shirt (it was the early 90’s, okay?). Being a 7ish year old girl I was really bored for most of the game. It was crappy weather and we weren’t any good back then, but we stayed the whole entire game. I don’t recall the score or who it was against, but I know we ended up coming back and winning in the last minutes. I remember being there with just grandpa and standing on my seat next to him, both of us screaming and cheering for our team. I remember feeling so excited that they won and I am pretty sure that day is when I truly became a diehard U of U fan. Grandpa is a man of few words most of the time, but you know he loves you from the little things; helping you with school, giving you a treat and an accompanying hand-written note every Valentine’s day, buying Buzz (now the Bees) season tickets when you went through your baseball phase, and the list goes on and on. He will never ask for a hug, but when you are 26 and still give him one as you leave his face lights up every single time. He has one of the most contagious smiles you have ever seen. Also, his name is Melvin Eugene. Come on, that is awesome!

Grandma:
She is one of the physically strongest ladies you will ever meet. I like to think that is due in part to the fact that she grew up on an Indian reservation in Canada. That is pretty hard core. We constantly have to stop her from doing things that her old body can’t keep up with such as carrying in 20 lbs bags of rock salt or doing manual labor up at the cabin. She is way more motivated at 76 than I am at 26. I always loved school shopping with my Grandma every fall. She made sure we kept up with the latest fashions and you can blame her introducing me to JCrew. I also might get my off colored sense of humor from her. This may come as a surprise to anyone who knows her, but she can crack a dirty joke right along with the rest of us, which is even funnier coming from a sweet old lady. I love that she “went with” a majority of the men around her age in Cardston when she was young. It may be a small town, but go Grandma! She also held the record for most points scored in a Girl’s Basket Ball game at her High School (she may still hold that title, I haven’t checked my Cardston High School stats in the last 10 years). I love that she met my Grandpa while he was holding the drinking fountain for her, and that she thought he was pompous because she was an engaged woman; I love even more that she broke off that engagement and mailed the ring back to that poor sucker. To recap, she dated a majority of the town of Cardston and called off an engagement by mailing the ring back. Grandma had game (a trait I clearly did not inherit from her).

Both of these incredible people have made me the awesome girl that I am today, and to that I thank them!

March 31, 1985

2011-03-30T21:18:00.001-07:00

I once asked my hot high school biology teacher (skyline alums know exactly who I’m speaking of) when aging stopped being a good thing. Without batting a hot eyelash he said 26. His rationale made sense; 25 is the last time there is a perk to aging. You get the ability to rent a car and insurance rates go down, so that pretty much puts and end to things of that nature. He also told me that after 25 my body would start to ache for no good reason (check!), I would be tired all the time (double check!) and there would be nothing left to look forward to. Deyle was always a downer so I hope the last part isn’t true, but thus far he’s 2-1!

Well kiddos, tomorrow marks the start of my downhill slope. It’s no longer fun for me to age. Maybe someone will gift me some Tory Burch flats to ease the pain. They’re probably better for my knees than those heels anyhow.
5 hours ago

You can run, you can hide, but you can't escape the office windows!

2011-03-22T12:08:00.000-07:00

If I could travel back to the 9th grade and talk to 15 year old Kirsten, I would tell her one thing:

“When you’re 25 years old, you will have a job that will allow you to listen to boy bands for 8 hours a day.”

Holy cow! Can you imagine how excited that would have made me? It would have made all of those awkward/traumatic teen years so much more bearable!

“What’s that Erin [last name omitted]? You think I’m a loser because I have never kissed a boy? Well I don’t care what you think because when I grow up I will get to listen to NSYNC and Backstreet Boys all day long while you will be working at Walmart, married to some sick white trash guy who wears affliction all the time because you peaked in high school!”

(sidenote: Teenage Kirsten knew about affliction because I would also warn her about that fashion nightmare)

(sidenote #2: I don’t know where Erin [last name omitted] really is these days, but I assume I am fairly accurate on that…at least I truly hope that I am…)

And that is what I do ladies and gents. I have created a Backstreet Boys station and Pandora and I listen to the best of the mid to late 90’s all day at work. Everything from 98 degrees to Mariah Carey dazzles my ear drums while I process payroll. It. Is. Glorious! The downside is that I might have just experienced the downside of tapping into my teen years. Today at work I was standing at my desk dancing to “Escape” by Enrique Iglesias. I suddenly realized that my office blinds were open and that the stylists at the salon next door could see directly into my office windows. They could see me and they did. I stopped my dancing, sat back down in my wheelie chair and got back to payroll. At least Erin [last name omitted] doesn’t work at the salon next door.

Benny & The Nighty-Q

2011-03-19T16:40:00.000-07:00

Last night I mixed bennys & nighty-Q and lived to tell the tale! For those of you who are not hip to my OTC drug names:

Bennys= Benadryl
Nighty-Q= nyquil

I need you all to just calm down! Before you judge just listen to my reasoning! I have this date tonight and I have had this awful cough for the last 10ish days. I cant be hacking up a lung on a date, so obviously I needed nighty-q. Then last night I was at dinner with Mary and Amanda. We got this delicious dessert called chocolate decadence. 2 bites into it I remembered that I'm allergic to chocolate. Not to say I forget my allergies, but I'm usually fine unless its super rich or dark. Chocolate decadence sounds rich and I wasn't about to take any chances! I spun into panic mode and started freaking out that I might get hives. I took the bennys as preventative measure. I mean obviously it was totally necessary.

Before you start calling me mean druggy names, I want to assure you that I consulted google before mixing them and google said it "could be done but was not advisable" See, that means it's totally fine!

The best part of my OTC cocktail was the text I got from Amanda this morning: "Please bless that you are still alive after your many mixes and also that you are hive free!"

Awwww! She's such a sweet friend to be concerned! Indeed I am hive free and still breathing. Not advisable? What does that really even mean? I mean, I have done plenty of things against the advice of others and I'm fine!

Wish me luck on the date!

The Worst "Movie" Ever Made

2011-01-29T09:28:00.000-08:00

I would like to ask you all to participate in this little activity with me. First, close your eyes (metaphorically because you couldn't read this if you actually closed your eyes). Now think back into your mind's eye to recall the worst movie you've ever seen. I am guessing it's some awfully un-funny comedy or perhaps a poorly made chick flick. Maybe if you saw "the hills have eyes" you're thinking of that movie, because that's where my mind would have gone before last night...Now I want you to take that movie and imagine watching it 6 times in a row while you are tied to a chair and can't go to the restroom. I can promise I would still have rather done that than to see the movie I saw last night.
I legitimately saw the worst movie ever made last night. To call it a movie is generous. It's called "The Oregonian" and I can't even begin to tell you what it was about, if it had a point or storyline, or why I stayed to the end. Basically it was a series of incredibly disturbing images with very little talking and random flashes of even more disturbing images. I refused to clap at the end. The film maker and star were sitting behind us and I made no secret to my thoughts on the film. We also walked out of the Q&A. That wad based on some dreams you've had and influence by country music, Calvin Reeder? Well if that's true, I don't know what stations you're listening to and I feel you should seek intense psychiatric help. It's about stories, Calvin Reeder? Well please explain what the story was in that! Was it a story about a giant green monster performing lewd acts randomly? Or people who drink gasoline daqueries? Please enlighten me!

Bottom line: I don't know what happened to me in that "movie". I say it happened to me because it did happen to me. It was some sadistic form of abuse that I endured and will likely ignite some PTSD in me. I doubt this "movie" will ever see the light of day past Sundance so it probably won't be able to get you. Thank your lucky stars!

You got me real good this year, Sundance! Funny joke you trickster!

Snowshoes and Paranoia

2010-12-12T19:03:00.000-08:00

This Saturday I decided to go up Millcreek to do some snowshoeing. Good plan. I also decided that I have been under a lot of stress, so I would go alone to have some thinking time. Good plan too, unless you've seen "127 Hours" lately...

For those of you who haven't heard of this movie, it is the true story of Aaron Ralston, the Colorado man who got trapped in Southern Utah and cut off his own arm. To sum it up, he decided to go hiking alone without telling anyone where he was going. He knocked a rock loose on his hike, which trapped his hand between the rock and the wall of the crack he was in. He didn't have a real knife, just some crappy multi-tool. He did all sorts of crazy crap to stay alive. He ran out of water and eventually peed in his camelbak and DRANK HIS OWN URINE. He also used the neoprene sleeve from his camelbak to create a tourniquet, tightened the tourniquet with a carabiner. After he realize his multi-tool knife wasn't going to cut bone, he BROKE HIS OWN ARM and eventually went all crazy on that shiz and CUT HIS ARM OFF!!!!!! Yes, I know I used caps excessively there, but seriously people- that is so gross! Moral of the story: had he been with someone else, or even if he had told people where he was going and when he would be back, he probably wouldn't have had to go all psycho path on his arm. I am telling you right now that if I was ever faced with impending doom of that sort, I would not survive. My will to live isn't that strong. I would try to get out for 20-30 minutes, all the while crying and praying for help. After the 30 minute struggle, I would eat all of my food and drink all of my water. Then I would cry myself to sleep and probably never wake up again. Screw drinking your own pee!

Back to snowshoeing...I went alone, but I told people, just to be safe! Turns out that Millcreek was not an original idea on Saturday so I was never in any real danger. Although there was a fair amount of time alone, I ran into people every 20 minutes or so. I would be fine if a rock trapped me. End of story. Now enjoy some pics...

Pretty Creek

Safe and back at the car with all of my extremities!

J. Simp's Biggest Mistakes...

2010-12-09T20:59:00.000-08:00

1. Leaving this hot piece of man:

2. Starting to eat trans fats:

The Life and Times of Kirsten

2010-11-11T20:14:00.001-08:00

It has certainly been a while since I posted anything of relevance so I thought it might be time for a brief update of what I have been up to since April...

May: I made a big decision in my life and went through the temple. It had been on my mind for a while but then some things happened that made me understand that it was the exact right time in my life. Once I made my mind up it all happened fairly quickly. We're talking about 2 weeks between when I decided it was time and when I did it. I am not one to get super churchy on this type of thing, but it was incredible and I know it was the right thing for me. I'll leave it there, but big props to Carly for being my amazing escort, Duff for the blessing before, and my amazing friends who came to support! I love you all so much!

June: I got the heezy out of the PAC! After 5 long years I found a job with a great company. I love what I am doing now and the company I work for is awesome! I enjoy going to work and I get a kick out of the people I work with and the environment I am in.

July: Lots of sun bathing and pool time. I also started getting eye lash extensions. If you haven't ever had them, I highly recommend them!

August: Lots of camping. Tent trailers are the most amazing invention known to man. I also became enthralled with this author who essentially writes romance novels. Yeah, I admitted it. Get over it!

September: Football started! GO UTES!!!!!

October: More Football. Halloween. Blah, Blah, Blah...

Which brings us to today. Life is grand! Careful people, it's about to get all mushy up in here.............................................Over the past few months I have really come to appreciate the friends that I have been blessed to have in my life. I have been trying to take time to let them know how important they are to me and to spend more time with the people I love. It was pointed out to me the other day that I often start stories with, "my best friend...", but I will be talking about a number of different people. The thing is, I can't pick just one "best friend". I have so many friends that have been there for me at different times in my life that I can't pick just one! Each of them has been exactly what I needed at a specific time and now I am lucky enough to have a whole slew of best friends! I love you all!!!!!

And with that, I leave you with a picture of this year's Halloween Costume. Patrick and I were Max Hall's family. I didn't partake of the beer on our shirts. Calm down...

Quit Stalking us!

2010-04-28T22:49:00.000-07:00

Remember how about 10 months ago swine flu was all anyone talked about? It was all over the place. Don’t lie—every time you got a sniffle, you assumed it was the swine flu and ran to get meds. Well brothers and sisters, we have something far worse on our hands. This epidemic seems to be spreading across all age groups, ethnicities and socioeconomic classes… this epidemic is Justin Bieber. People are actually calling it “Bieber Fever”. That sounds like some sort of plague that will wipe out 1/3 of Europe to me.

Seriously, it’s out of control you guys! Justin Bieber is stalking all of us! This is truly the only logical explanation for how some little kid (who looks suspiciously like a tiny lesbian to me) could overtake the entire globe. He caused a riot in Australia, people! I can’t seem to turn on a TV or the radio without hearing one of his songs, or at very least, the mention of his name. He was on SNL the same night as big-timer Tina Fey for crying out loud ( side note: that sketch they did where he was her student and she was fantasizing about him—totes inappropes, but so funny)!

I am 25 years old and I am as much a victim as anyone else. I love me a good sing-a-long to “one less lonely girl”, but it is simply wrong that this 14 year old is singing that to me! This child can’t make me less lonely! That’s illegal in all 50 states! Stop it Justin Bieber! Stop it now! Please start singing about gym class or taking your crush to nikelcade or something. Don’t sing to me about age-inappropriate love! (example: “Many have called but the chosen is you. Whatever you want shawty, I’ll give it to you”).

I just need you to stop Justin. You stalking everyone is becoming a problem. And for the record, I still don’t even know how to pronounce his last name…Beeber? Byber? Bayber? I don’t friggin know…

Fund Raiser!!

2010-03-23T16:59:00.000-07:00

Anyone who knows me knows that I often provide friends with treats to fatten them up. I find baking sort of therapeutic and just all around fun, so when I was watching Days of our Lives on my lunch break and saw an opportunity to help sick kids, I jumped on it! It isn't until May, but I really want to get the word out and hopefully make some money for this cause!
The organization is cookies for kid's cancer. Individuals such as myself host bake sales and give the profits to the organization for pediatric cancer research. Most people have had cancer effect their lives or the lives of loved ones, but when it effects the lives of innocent kids it makes it that much sadder. My Grandma has been kind enough to allow me to use her backyard for a party/bake sale to raise money. I really hope that everyone can make it!! Please bring friends and everyone and anyone you know! My Grandma's backyard is huge and can take the pressure!

When: Saturday May 8, 2010; 11:00 AM -2:00 PM
Where: My Grandma's house (ask for directions)
Why: Because you like cookies and helping sick kids

Bombay House knockoff

2010-03-09T21:53:00.000-08:00

I love Indian food. I love it! I would eat at Bombay house on a regular basis if I could afford it... hint: if I could afford it. So a few weeks ago I decided to figure out how to make some Paneer Masala on my own. With confidence that I could do it, and an online recipe in hand, I made my way to the Indian market. Round one was a'ight, so I started messing around with the recipe. After a lot of experimenting and tweaking ( I have made probably 4 batches) I have perfected what I feel is the closest to Bombay House's Paneer Masala. I share my recipe with you now. Enjoy!

Paneer Masala

1 block of Paneer, chopped into squares (you can find this at the Indian market)
1 medium onion, chopped
1 T Garlic
1 T Coriander
1 t Garam Masala (again- Indian market)
1/2 t chili powder (more if you like it really spicy)
1- 28 oz. can of diced tomatoes, pureed
Oil - 3 tbsp
Salt - to taste

Heat a large skillet with 2 T of oil. When the oil is hot, add in the chopped Paneer and cook until browned. Drain the paneer onto a plate with a paper towel to absorb the access oil. Next add the remaining 1 T of oil to the same skillet and brown the chopped onion. Once browned, add the garlic, coriander, garam masala, and chili powder. Cook for about 1 minute or until well blended. Next add in the paneer and the tomatoe paste. Add salt to taste. Cover and let simmer for about 5 minutes. Serve over rice or with naan.

If you want it here's my heart. No strings attached.

2010-01-31T16:13:00.000-08:00

I have recently taken up reading my old journals. At this time I wish to take my readers into the land of 15 year old girlhood as I recount the *NSYNC: No strings attached tour laced with "like's" and "totally's". Young girls aren't right.

June 17, 2000

Today Dick Magness got re-married! We invited Ciara and McCall to use our 2 extra tickets to *NSYNC. Of course they did! The wedding was at 6:30 and the concert was at 7:30. Andrew came over and talked w/ Me and the Gill girls! He was all, "I have that bike, only it's the glitz glam II!" to Kendra. They were all "nu-uh" and he finally admitted it was a lie. So at the wedding, in the middle of the ceremony, Rick Pratt said, "we need to get on with the ceremony, we have some girls that need to get to *NSYNC". I was soooo embarrassed!! We ran and changed after the ceremony and got to *NSYNC about 7:35. We fought our way through the crowds to get to the floor, but we needed wrist bands. Turns out that was the crowd! Well a guy came and told us they were doing the bands on the other side too. We got them and went all the way down to the 30th row smack dab in front of the stage!! There was this track going down the isle and it stopped exactly our row, we were all, "I wonder if they come out?" Well the 2 opening acts sang and then this huge cloth dropped that said *NSYNC no strings attached tour 2000 w/ their pics on it. For 20 minutes we waited after like 5 mins these bodies were pressed up against the cloth. Soon they disappeared and finally the song "Got no strings to hold me down" from Pinocchio came on. The cloth dropped and then we heard "baby you're not the only one" (pause) They flew down from the top. "You don't have to be afraid to fall in love" (pause). "I know that you've hurt in the past, but if you want it here's my heart, no strings attached" Fireworks shot to the beats. It was totally cool!!! Then towards the end JC was all, "let's get closer to the audience". They walked and stopped and JC was all, "Closer" until they were on the edge. The stage came up and they came out on the track! Where did they stop? Next to us!!! I was 3 people away from *NSYNC!!! I was SCREAMING! Justin smiled @ me. Chris did sign language I love you back @ me. JC looked and waved at me. Joey looked at my mom like she was nutz! (and she was) oh it was great! They sang "This I promise you" and went backstage and came out and sang "Bye, Bye, Bye". Fireworks shot off any they left! It ROCKED!!!!!!!!

Adios 2009!

2010-01-17T21:47:00.000-08:00

So turns out 2009 was not my favorite year, but I made so many new friends and grew more than I knew I could. To celebrate the end of the year, I sent 2009 away in the best way possible: at Bear Lake with a big group of friends for a weekend of fun and relaxation! I'm going to get all cheese ball here for a sec and just say that I love my friends so much! I could not ask for more supportive/incredible/fun people to have in my life. Ok, I'm done being one of those people. I think the pictures from the trip will say more than any words can...

Clearly I was excited that it was midnight.

This is what I mean about the awesome friends.

Before...

After...4 of them ate that monstrosity. It was not right.

This is what the French call "silent karaoke" and it is awesome!

All in all, it was an ideal way to ring in the new year. I can't wait to see what 2010 has in store for me!

Deep In the Heart of Texas

2009-10-06T18:55:00.000-07:00

I am coming at you live from Houston,TX. They say everything is bigger here, but so far I have not been impressed. I have spent more time lost because of the poorly-labeled street signs then I have doing anything else. Also, if I could have more than a 4' warning for interstate entrances, that would be super.

Anywho-- I got this bright idea to go on a scavenger hunt for the Houston temple. According to mapquest I was approximately 28 minutes (19 miles) from the temple. I thought it would be a nice little trip. WRONG! First of all, if that was 19 miles then I have been sorely mislead by every other place I've ever driven. Second, because of the poorly labeled signs, I took about 17 U turns, drove 10 extra miles and basically just got lost for 2 hours in the heart of Texas. The good news is that I saw some awesome things on my drive:
* I never drove more than 10 minutes without seeing some religious compound. We're talking HUGE gated compounds for the baptists, lutherans and any other religion you can think of...yet the LDS temple was nestled in a neighborhood and sucked to find.
* There was a nice fellow sitting on the hood of his truck, parked on the side of the road with a fishing pole. On the end of that fishing line was a shrimp. On the side of his truck was a wooden sign announcing shrimp for sale. It was so good to see.
* More trucks than I can count.
* A house in The Woodlands that barely counted as a house. There were sheets hanging out to dry though.
* A huge plantation for priests to retreat to. Kind of like the bat cave.

Long story short, I made it to the temple finally. It ended up being a really great experience, but getting there was not a party.

The Last Hurrah of Summer

2009-09-06T14:23:00.000-07:00

Well folks, the summer is coming to a close. I had a lot of rad times this year and I think its safe to say this year's summer beat last years summer by quite a bit. Yesterday I had a chance to go out on the lake for probably the last time this season. Sean Obrien was kind enough to take a bunch of us from the ward out wakeboarding/skiing/wake surfing. We could not thank him enough for doing that for us!! We met up at 6:00 AM (meaning we were awake before the sun was) and he took us to Jordanelle. The water was glass for the first few hours, but the weather was kinda gnarly. There was a mix of sunshine, rain and the most vibrant double rainbow we had ever seen. I could not have asked for a better Saturday or a better way to close out the summer!

This photo does not even do justice to this rainbow.

A great group to be out with!

The teensie bit of sun that we saw.

Can you smell it?

2009-08-12T15:58:00.000-07:00

The scent of fall with a hint of football. Mmmmmmmm!

I am getting an early start on my BYU hating this year. A coworker sent me a link to these photos and I have to say, they almost top Austin Collie's halloween get up. You remember the one, right? The honor code breaking short shorts? Well, he has out-gayed himself this time around....and this time he did it with Dennis Pitta AND Max Hall. What a treat!!

And now, I present you with the BYU D-bag's fall 2009 catalog. (Please note: all items pictured are available for sell at your local Hollister):

Come out of the closet guys. Its getting crowded in there.

in case you were worried

2009-07-20T22:36:00.000-07:00

...I told my bosses about the lost phone. They were surprisingly cool about it and told me "stuff happens". They replaced it with an old used phone that was lying about. Of course the phone turned up at the church, but not until Sunday after the damage was done and my sin had been confessed to the PAC higherups. I knew it had to be one of the 4 places I had been!

Worst. Day. Ever.

2009-07-15T21:49:00.000-07:00

I don't mean to be a Debbie downer, but this was one helluva day! For starters, my shower was being a fickle teenager and scalded me this morning. This in turn made me late for work since I couldn't complete my shower until the temperature became tolerable.

The next fun came when I realized that I had misplaced the on-call phone from work. I knew I had it before going to jane's bachelorette party, but what happened to it next remains a mystery. I thought for sure it had fallen out of my purse at the Jenson's, but panti checked and had no luck. I retraced every step including calling my Relief Society pres. to come let me into the church, but you guessed it: I didn't find the phone. Now I get the pleasure of telling my boss in the morning. That ought to be fun.

I then went to a church service activity at welfare square. There was all sorts of miscommunication and they ended up turning late-comers away. It just irritated me! Shouldn't they just let them stay and be a part of it rather then sending them home?! I did not feel spiritually uplifted at all.

Next, I was on my way to yoga to calm down. As I drove down 2700 S. a truck flew across the road. I slammed on my breaks and came to a skreeching stop (literally) and still only missed the dumb-a's by inches. It was close enough that I got out to check and see if we hit at all.

After all this, I had a nice yoga class and decided to stop and get some del taco on my way home. I was stopped in the drive through for literally 5 minutes and the jack-a behind me rearended me!! Those of you who frequent the del know that the wait is long. There were probably 4 cars behind this who-ha and he too had been stopped before he gave me whip lash. What the heck?!! Then, he didn't even get out of his car! I got out to check the damages and his response was, "did I getcha?"...thankfully he hit the spare tire on the back and didn't do any damage, but Billy Bob didn't even apologize! His slutty girl friend in the passanger side yelled a "sorry" as I walked away, but the driver couldn't be bothered. People these days!

The good news is that I am safely tucked in bed so nothing else can go wrong tonight. I hope I don't die tomorrow when I tell them I lost their stupid phone. Ugggggghhhhh!

Disclaimer: I have been trying not to curse lately so that is why everyone is a _____-a. I also do not really know how intelligent either driver was. I am just assuming since they both suck at driving that they must be idiots. Also, the truck driver's girl friend may not be a slut...she may not even be his girl friend. It was all the rage talking.

Mid-Bummer-Free Summer Update

2009-07-14T08:02:00.000-07:00

It’s bummer-free summer for those of you who don’t know. Many of you might be wondering what I have been doing with my summer, and many of you may not care at all. For those of you who do care, I will give you a little mid-bummer-free summer update:

• Embarked upon the goal of attending Bikram yoga 5 times a week. So far, pretty good. With the exception of weeks where I have been out of town, I have gone 5-6 times a week. I’m quite proud of myself and the hard work is starting to pay off. For the first time in my life, I kinda-sorta have abs…well, the beginning of what will be abs. Even Ambs noticed that I am getting a little definition! I have also tricked others into attending with me. Mwahahahahaah! (don’t worry, they were into it too)
• I went on a loverly trip to St. George and Vegas with Ambs. We did lots of shopping and saw Beatles LOVE. It was incredible! We were also remarkably lazy that whole trip; in bed by 10 or 11, sleeping until 9 or 10, laying by the pool, venturing around St. George….it was a fantastic trip!
• I waited for summer to start. For those of you living in Utah, you know that it started raining just after Memorial day and did not stop until the very end of June. I thought for sure Salt Lake had been transplanted to Washington. Basically, we were robbed of 3 weeks of our summer! Hopefully the summer weather will continue 3 weeks into fall to make up for the lost time.
• Went to St. George again…for work. It was a horrid week. I was so happy to come home!
• Mourned the loss of MJ. Many of you may not know, but I am a die hard Michael Jackson fan. I have defended his crazy antics all along. His death was truely sad for me. I found myself listening to his music on my drive home from St. George and recalling all the times in my life that were set to MJ's tunes. The man was a legend and a genius. He shall be missed! (and yes, I cried when I watched his funeral. That little Paris tore me up!)
• Saw my first laser show at the new Planetarium- Dark side of the moon. It was really spectacular. I also made my first trip to Spoon Me that night. It was a’ight. Not sure what all the hype is about though.
• Went camping with my better 2/3rds: Josh and Sarah. I got a sweet new cooler that will keep food cold for 5 days, so if you want to go camping with me for 5 days- I am ready! Keller also came along. This was his first time out of town and he loved it! He ran around like a wild beast, but cried like a little baby if we left him for 30 seconds. Sarah and I made a really good fire and we had my world famous hobo dinners. Really, I make the best hobo dinners. Ask anyone who has been camping with me.
• Spent time at Gma’s pool. Night swimming: check. Saturday lay out: check. Watching fireworks from the pool: check. Skinny dipping:….stay tuned.

Well, those are a few highlights from bummer-free summer. Stay tuned for more wacky times to come!

Oh boy! Not again Michael Phelps!

2009-06-16T09:31:00.000-07:00

First of all, I am not obsessed with Michael Phelps. Really. I mean, don't get me wrong, I would totally marry him. Homeboy has money, you could do laundry on his abs, and he is kind of cute in a slack-jaw sort of way. His Mom also seems like a pretty nice lady....but this is all beside the point. The point is that he has seriously offended our nation yet again!

Remember this? Now, I was willing to look past his poor judgment and immature actions involved in the whole bong fiasco, but what I am about to reveal is so wrong- nay, so grotesque that I may never see our little dolphin hybrid the same:

What were you thinking Michael?!! What is that thing on your lip, and why did you think it was a good idea?! I just really don't think you thought this through Phelpsie. To quote you, this behavior is "regrettable and demonstrated bad judgement". The youth of our nation look up to you. How does it make you feel knowing that countless youngsters could be following your lead and growing a pedophile 'stache? That caterpillar on your face is both disgusting and offensive. If you didn't loose all of your endorsements after "puff, puff, pass", you certainly should now! You completely disregarded the feelings of our nation for your own selfish, white trash desires.

Maybe the extremely high caloric intake has gone to your head, but I have really lost a lot of respect for you Michael Phelps. Shame!

Summer 2009

2009-05-20T21:59:00.000-07:00

I, Kirsten Marie Dorius hereby declare summer 2009 to be "bummer-free summer". Below is an open invitation to all:

What: bummer-free summer

Who: anyone who isn't a bummer-inducer

Where: bear lake, my condo, gallivan center, gma's pool, and all around this land.

When: kicks off this weekend in St. George and will continue on well into August.

More details to be announced at a later time. Please RSVP if you don't like bummers.

Mobile Blogging from here.

Look Familiar?

2009-05-11T21:45:00.000-07:00

As most of you know, I have a guilty pleasure for celebrity gossip. I have tried to give it up because I shouldn't care. I don't know these people and what they do with their lives is their own business...buuuuuuuuuut I do care. Probably more than I should. I love curling up with a diet coke and an US Weekly, and I check celebrity gossip sights almost daily via my iPhone. Basically what I am saying is that I am a walking cliché and you all can get over it.

Anywho, as I was catching up on the ongoings of the fake world of celebrities, I saw this:

Apparently Rihanna and Katy Perry are BFF's now. Awesome. Then I started to feel as if I had seen similar images before in my celeb stalking. That's when I recalled this:

Remember how Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson were "just BFF's" in the begining? Then they finally admitted that they were hitting it girl on girl style? Not that there is anything wrong with that, I'm just saying this "friendship" looks a little familiar. Katy Perry did have a hit song about kissing a girl and liking it, and if my boyfriend messed my stuff up and bashed my head against a car window I would probably be inclined to switch teams too.

Again, I'm not saying anything is wrong with a little lady love, if that's what you're in to, Im just making a prediction. I think we will learn of some extra friendly behavior between these two in the coming months. Does Rihanna wear cherry chapstick?

Happy Birthday to Me!!!!

2009-03-31T22:14:00.000-07:00

And Panti, and Candace!!

I want to thank everyone for the birthday wishes! You all helped to make my special day a bit brighter.

A very special thanks to Amber (who is real) for the very sweet blog entry, and to Adam, Kristjan, and Arni-Elei who brought me cookies and came to pay me a visit (seriously guys, she's real). I am a very lucky girl to have so many great people in my life!

I will be taking my birthday money to JC Penny's tomorrow to get some velour track suits and some Velcro shoes. Then I'll head off to Golden Corral for a late dinner around 5 and retire to my afghan laden bed around 8:30.

Mobile Blogging from here.

Top 5- Sam Bob Edition

2009-03-28T13:25:00.000-07:00

Feather head.
Baby Bear.
Doodle.
Bob.
Sam Bob.
Sam Bob Doodle Pants.

All these names mean one thing: I have the cutest/funniest baby brother ever! Today is his 8th Birthday and on this very special day, I would like to honor this funny little man with my Top 5 favorite quotes from the past year:

5. After finding out that I used to watch “Wishbone” as a child he asked, “Was it in black and white?”
4. When I emailed him (yes, he has email) to ask if he wanted to come hang out with me he wrote back, “Im to bizy”
3. After asking me about dating he got a totally perplexed look on his face and said, “ So if you've had boyfriends, then why aren’t you married?”
2. I asked him about his girlfriend Riley to which he responded, “Oh, we broke up. She doesn’t love me anymore. She loves Dallin now because he gave her $5.00”
1. One day he randomly approached our brother and asked, “Austin, what would you do if one girl came up and kissed you, then another girl kissed you, and then those two girls got in a kitty fight?”

Happy Birthday Bob! You are a nutty fufkin and I love you more than infinity!

They roared their terrible roars and gnashed their terrible teeth...

2009-03-25T23:38:00.000-07:00

I just finished watching the trailer for "where the wild things are" and I am so stoked!!(I'll post it on here soon) I have to say, it looks incredible!! I am really excited to see the genius that is Spike Jonze's take on the legendary Maurice Sindak book.

Some of you might not know, but I have a bit of an obsession with the book. I have t-shirts, the book, toys, and there has even been a drawing of Max on my whiteboard since 2006. Needless to say, I'll be there with Sam Bob Doodle Pants on opening day (he picked up big sister's love too)

Kiss me, I'm a teeny bit Irish!

2009-03-17T20:06:00.000-07:00

Happy St. Patty's day kiddos!!! I hope the luck of the Irish graced your day. I considered celebrating by driving my car through something, but I love Grimace the liberty too much.
May you kiss the blarney stone, find a leprechaun, drink a green beer, or eat some potatoes...whatever floats your four leaf clover.

P.S. My birthday is 14 days away. Are you ready?

Lent '09 update

2009-03-10T21:49:00.000-07:00

Dear readers,
I have officially failed my giving up candy for lent. I love chewy sprees and that big bag needed to be taken home! I have never failed at lent before, but the good news is that I'm not catholic so it doesn't really matter.

Lots of love,
Kiki

Another year older, probably not much wiser.

2009-03-08T15:11:00.000-07:00

As most of you know, the day of the birth of the wonder that is me is quickly approaching. In other words, my birthday is coming up on March 31st (mark your calendars). There is still plenty of time for y'all to plan my surprise party, but I want to make lives a little easier by posting the desires of my heart. Anything on this list will make me as giddy as Michael Phelps at a college party with a bong.
-A horse. Preferably a brown one named Princess.
-Alex Smith's hand in marriage. I know I have called him my husband for years, but shocker: we are not actually married-yet...
-A one year pass to Bikram yoga.
-A tripod for my camera.
-A vacuum that doesn't suck...or that does. You know what I mean.
-A cannon rebel.
-Some sweet yoga shorts.
-A soldering iron. Seriously, I want one.
-A gaming system of some sort.
-Tattoo removal (I should have listened to my parents, it was a bad idea, blah blah blah...I want it gone.)
-A yoga mat that doesn't have hibiscus flowers on it.
-A 54" plasma TV.
-A book shelf for my living room.
-Guitar lessons.
-The express 101.Think of the food possibilities!
-A puppy. Breed can be negotiated.
-Paula Dean to be my third Grandma.
-A spray tan machine.

To my dear friends: if you can't afford any of these gifts, that's ok. I will just cherish your friendship as the greatest gift of all.

Mom and Dad: it's either the items on this list or therapy. You pick.

Lent '09

2009-02-26T19:37:00.000-08:00

Many of you may not know this about me, but I participate in lent. I know what you're thinking, "Kirsten, aren't you Mormon?" The answer is: dang skippy! Some might find this odd for a Mormon gal, but I began participating in lent freshman year of college when my catholic friend Mary asked me to do it with her and I haven't looked back. The way I see it, it's a good time to give a vice. I have already been given the talks about how weird this is, so save your breath. You can't stop me, I do what I want!
Two years ago I gave up chocolate which proved to be harder than I expected. This year I am kicking it up a notch and giving up candy altogether. Lent began yesterday and ends the night before Easter, so don't worry about little ol' me. I will be able to binge on all the bunny's gifts come Easter morning.
Wish me luck!

Free be good

2009-02-23T23:01:00.000-08:00

Last week was pretty meh. You know what I mean? Just meh...then towards the end of the week the freebie gods smiled upon my mehness. Two wonderfully free things fell into my lap to turn my frown upside down. I feel it should be documented to bring hope to those of you who may be feeling a little bit punched in the nose by life lately.
Freebie #1: Amber and I were enjoying a much needed girls night on Thursday, complete with pj's and gossip. We took a trip to paradise cafe for some grub and upon reaching the register I presented the cashier with my frequent diner card. Well, apparently I don't frequent them enough because at some point they switched to electronic cards. The nice cashier lady tells me this and then says, "well, you're close enough so I'll just give you this one free." SCORE!!
Freebie #2: Friday I took a trip to my local tanning salon for a nice spray tan to boost my looks. The credit card machine was down because there was someone working on the phone lines in the back. The orangeish worker girl told me to go ahead and spray it up and she would have the man fix the phones and I could pay when I left. I got my spray on, wiped down and went out to pay. The oompa loompa then hands me the good news (but not in song. Dang!). The phone man was unable to fix the credit card machine. She shrugged her shoulders and says, "so I guess you get a free tan." YEEEEAH!
I couldn't believe my fortune! Honestly, it couldn't have happened to a nicer girl. Chin up kiddos! Maybe you too will recieve some freebies.

Fist to the Face Friday

2009-02-06T14:07:00.000-08:00

I know I am not so good at the whole fist to the face Friday thing, so how about I just say it will be upon occasion and not necessarily every Friday. Good, yes? Mkay.

Well today I am going to have to choose to punch my Mom in the face. Don’t worry, these are just metaphorical punches so it’s not like I am going to assault my Mom this weekend. Sandra is a lovely lady, but I have been harboring some ill will toward her this week. These feelings are a direct result of her not making me Chex Muddy Buddies as a child.

When C.J. and I were little we loved Chex Muddy buddies! My mom made them twice that I can remember and both times he and I devoured those succulent snacks. Notice I said we only had them twice. My mom made excuses as to why they were so rare in our house; one being that they were made with semi-sweet chocolate and it was usually too much for my chocolate allergy, and the other being that they took too long to make. Well, the chocolate thing didn’t fly because even at a young age I understood that although semi-sweet chocolate was a no-no for me, it could easily be substituted with milk chocolate which was usually ok. But the difficulty factor remained, and I lived with that. Until now…

The other day I randomly decided to embark upon this “difficult” task. This is where the bitterness occurs: Chex Muddy Buddies are one of the easiest things to make!! Seriously, it took me all of about 7 minutes from beginning to end. I am officially calling my Mom out on her laziness. I was deprived and neglected as a child and I may never get over this.

If you have never had Chex Muddy Buddies, here is the recipe:

9 C. Chex cereal

1C. Semi-sweet chocolate chips (or milk chocolate if you are me)

½ C. Peanut butter

¼ C. Butter

¼ t. Vanilla

1 ½ C. Powdered Sugar
Pour cereal into a large bowl and set aside. Combine chocolate chips, peanut butter and butter in a microwave safe bowl. Microwave on high for 1 to 1 ½ minutes or until smooth (stir after 1 minute) Stir in vanilla. Pour Chocolate mixture over cereal and stir until all pieces are evenly coated.
Pour cereal mixture into large container with powdered sugar. Seal securely. Shake until all pieces are well coated.

How friggin’ easy is that?! Make them for those you love, and make them often. Don’t let another child suffer from such abuse.

It will not happen again.

2009-02-03T08:13:00.000-08:00

I am sure by now you have all heard that our country’s beloved half-dolphin/half-man hybrid was caught doing something naughty. Sweet young Master Phelps apparently partook of the devil’s weed at a party sometime this past November and a picture to document the occasion was released to the world via the British media.

I can hear the person who took the picture now, “Check out the lung capacity on that backcountry, Ozarks-looking fellow! Holy crap you guys, that’s Michael Phelps! Hand me my camera, I’m gonna be rich!!”
Honestly, this action does not make me think any less of the billion-calorie eating swimmer. People make mistakes, and he is just a 23 year old guy doing something that many 23 year old guys do. I did however love the statement he released:
“I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment. I'm 23 years old and despite the successes I've had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again.”
…by “it will not happen again” he means he will not let someone take a photo again, right? We all know that he will most definitely partake of the Mary Jane again, right?
How stupid do you think we are Dolphin man? Go eat your 5 plates of French toast and think about what you’ve done.

Kirsten's Bikini Contest '09

2009-01-29T08:49:00.000-08:00

I know that it snowed here in the SL,UT just yesterday and I may be jumping the gun here a bit, but bathing suit season is just around the corner. Last season’s tops are still very much wearable, yet I feel it is necessary to get a new top for this season. There will be plenty of pool parties and boating trips this summer to rotate through the myriad of bathing suits, right? I have narrowed it down and I now need a little assistance picking the winner. I would like to present you all with the 3 finalists in the Kirsten’s bikini contest ’09:

Contestant 1

Kind of old school 80’s looking which I love, but it is Roxy and I have an allergy to anything Roxy. Maybe I could somehow take the logo off?

Contestant 2

Cool pattern and colors, but not a lot of black which is the color of my bottoms. I like to have the versatility.

Contestant 3

Tie dye is always kind of fun, but I am not entirely sold on the white background. Let’s face it, white is usually a bad call for anything that will get wet.

Ok boys and girls, show me a little love and vote! I am very indecisive and I need some assistance to make up my mind.

Namaste

2009-01-28T09:18:00.000-08:00

Ever since I got back from New Orleans I have been on this health kick. Something about all the beignets, bread pudding, BBQ and junk food made me feel all sorts of nasty inside. I won’t tell you how many Reese’s peanut butter cups I consumed while we were sitting around in a hotel room, but I will tell you it is probably more than one person should eat in a month. When I returned to the beehive state I was determined to detoxify and start living a healthier life.

My new healthy life needed to include working out of course. The gym was great, but it just wasn’t really doing it for me so I started considering other options. I have a friend who has done Bikram yoga since high school and loves it so I talked to her about that. She of course sang its praises so after lots of internet research and mental preparation I enrolled in classes. For those of you who do not know, Bikram yoga is a 90 minute yoga class that includes 26 postures and is done in a room that is heated to 105 degrees with 40% humidity (sometimes more, sometimes less…usually more). Last Wednesday was my first class and I am totally addicted!! I have to admit that after that first class I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go on. I had sweat more than I ever had in my life, every muscle in my body ached, and during the class I thought I was going to die approximately 3 times. When the instructor said, “It is normal to feel light headed and nauseous at this point”, I wondered what I was doing there. Determined to not give up (and because I had already paid for a 10 days) I went back the next day and found it was a million times easier. Here I sit, one week later and I am already feeling the benefits of my practice. It has helped me physically to get a good work out, but the breathing and relaxation involved has really helped me emotionally as well; I feel much less stressed, I sleep better, and I have more energy. Bikram yoga is amazing and I never want to stop!

The diet portion of my healthy life is also going well. I am proud to say that I have been pretty successful in my limited Diet Coke consumption. I have only had it twice since I decided to limit my intake. I have also been trying to eat a lot better and that included giving up my beloved sour patch kids. It has been almost 3 weeks since their sour and then sweet goodness has touched my lips. So far, I am feeling a lot better about my diet and the feelings of bloated grossness are few and far between.

Bathing suit season is just around the corner and I shall be in tip top shape for its arrival!

Balancing help, or total rip off?

2009-01-20T13:01:00.000-08:00

Years ago I was introduced to this contraption called an indo board by these shady snow boarders. Let me just quickly paint this picture for you: my friend takes me to a house in Sugar House where in the living room is a large group of snow boarder/pot head/bums. There is a couple making out in a love sac, a dude playing the guitar, another gent playing the bongo drums, someone “rapping” along, and finally, a fellow on an indo board. For those of you unfamiliar with indo boards, it is basically a piece of wood fashioned into a board which is placed upon a cylinder and used to practice balance. Supposedly it is really good for your abs too because the balancing works those core muscles.

The other day I remembered the magical indo board and decided to look into buying one. I figure while I am sitting around watching TV I could pull out my indo board and work on my balance. Turns out they are ridiculously overpriced! We are talking $99.95 for what is essentially a wood plank and a PVC pipe. What the heck?! I have decided to channel my inner shop student to make myself an indo board. Add a little grip tape to the board and some duct tape to the pipe and Bob’s your Uncle, you have an indo board. Considering the fact that I once cut my finger open while slicing an avocado, I’ll probably have Uncle Rhemus help me so I don’t loose a finger all together. Wish me luck!

D.C., my love.

2009-01-15T09:34:00.000-08:00

I have made a decision; a life altering one. I have decided to cut back on my diet coke intake. My addiction (previously just considered a love) is getting a little out of hand. I have decided that reducing the amount of caffine and chemicals that I pump into my body is probably a good idea.

Hey now, let’s not get crazy! I am not cutting it out entirely. I am just limiting myself so that I don’t drink it every single day and so I don’t depend on its refreshingly cool taste. As of now my plan is to allow myself diet coke upon one of four occasions:
1.Social gatherings.
2.Sporting Events.
3.When eating fast food (because the alternative orange-flavored crap is nasty).
4.If I am having an extra bad day and need a pick me up.

I feel a bit like an alcoholic setting parameters for my drinking. I feel good about this and maybe, just maybe (but not likely) someday I will cut it out entirely

Gang signs.

2009-01-06T08:27:00.000-08:00

After a week of wearing Utah attire I am home from New Orleans. I was beginning to feel like I was in a gang from flashing the ‘U’ and yelling “Go Utes!” to every other Utah fan I passed on the streets of New Orleans. My feet are pretty excited about being able to rest and sleeping in my own bed last night was a thing of beauty. Every ache and pain was well worth it to see the Utes prove to the nation that we are #1!
I can’t even begin to put into words how amazing that game was and how it shut those Bama fans right up. There was probably a 4-1 ratio of Bama to Utes, but we were loud and proud and made the Superdome echo with chants of Utah pride. It was just so awesome to see this tiny section of Utah red making enough noise to fill that whole stadium while their crimson tide just sat there with little action.
For the most part, the Bama fans were nice enough. Wishing us good luck on the streets or being their simple hillbilly selves, but we had the rudest Bama fans sitting behind us. Seriously, these guys were the biggest a-holes I have encountered in ages. I didn’t feel the least bit sorry for standing up through the game and raising my arms in the air to sing the fight song. Their team lost. They can get over it.
I did start collecting pictures of white trash Bama fans early on in the trip, and I will share those with you now:

Sweet ponytail duuuude.

This was at the Superdome...this is how he chose to represent his team...

This dude was my fav. We actually chased him down to get this picture and told him we thought his "roll tide" was really clever and cool and just had to get a picture.

You know that fleece they sell at fabric stores with your team's logo on it? Yeah, well this guy made a blazer out of it.

You can't see too well, but this woman had a female mullet-like ponytail. She was classy.

This was up at the paraphanelia shop the day after the game.

More pictures are to follow. Pictures involving the actual game, Big easy sight seeing, and the wonder that is me.

Fist to the Face Friday.

2009-01-01T20:24:00.000-08:00

I know I started my fist to the face Fridays 2 weeks ago and then forgot last week's, but in my defense I was busy having a post-Christmas nap day and I could not be interrupted to go to my parent's house to use their interweb. Be proud though because I am writing this blog from my hotel in New Orleans while I wait to go watch the Utes. That is dedication and I feel it makes up for last week's lameness.

Since I am here for the Sugar bowl, it should come as no surprise that I choose to punch all the 'Bama fan's in the face this week. I would like to take my fist and make their noses spew the crimson tide!!

Here is a perfect example:

How gross is this lady? She gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "roll tide".

GO UTES!!!

Should old acquaintance be forgot.

2008-12-28T18:15:00.000-08:00

Oh, Snap! Another year is about to draw to and end, and I have been reflecting upon what happened in this loverly year and what I have accomplished and learned. 8 is my favorite number, so I was kind of hoping ’08 would be “my year”…it was a’ight, but I wouldn’t necessarily consider it my year. Maybe 2009? Anywhos, here is a month by month breakdown of my year, not to be confused with my year.

January- kicked off the new year by joining weight watchers. Bought a condo, painted and moved into it. Started my final semester of college.

February- Continued starvation on weight watchers. Had a wonderful Valentines date with Alice. Was left on the side of a mountain to die.

March- Remained hungry. Turned the big 2-3. Had a breakdown after a stranger showed up on my doorstep at 2 AM and scared the daylights out of me. Swore off men.

April- Yep, still depriving myself of food. Studied myself into a stupor in preparation for my math 1050 final. Lit someone’s microwave on fire. Received the most thoughtful gift anyone has ever given me.

May- 20 lbs lighter, but missing food. Walked down the big isle (Not wedding, graduation!). Started turning into an expert slacker. Had a really great Memorial day weekend.

June- Started eating normal people food again. Watched Wicket. Missed my hetero life partner. Walked to the Farmer’s market, was asked if I needed a ride 3 times and was called a hippie for doing so. Felt totally happy and content. Continued slacking. Nearly froze to death on a camping trip. Went to Vegas with the girls.

July- Slacking remained as did normal eating patterns. Spent all my free time by a pool. Bid farewell to Lacee. Had the lamest 4th of July of my life. Was pushed to my absolute end.

August- Stopped slacking. Learned A LOT about myself. Made many life changes. Swore off men again. Played lots of poker. Spent a fantastic weekend in San Fran with my lovelies. Got to see Bob Dylan live/danced like a hippie in the pouring rain to “like a rolling stone”.

September- Kept on with the life changes. Met tons of really amazing people/made lots of new friends. Got back in the swing of things.

October- Saw the scariest movie I have ever seen. Had lots of fun times. Carved some sweet pumpkins. Voted early. Dressed as a plyg. Celbrated one of the best Halloweens of all time.

November- Did lots of reading. Saw Barack become Pres. Had a monumentally lazy weekend after Thanksgiving. Had the most terrible cold of'08. Watched the Utes beat BYU.

December- Reveled in the snow. Did lots of shopping (for others and myself). Scheduled of a trip to New Orleans to see the Utes in the Sugar Bowl. Had a rather disappointing Christmas. Reflected upon the past year and really hoped for a really great one to come.

A special Christmas day message.

2008-12-25T15:44:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas

2008-12-24T07:36:00.000-08:00

On this Christmas eve day, I would like to take a moment to wish all of you a Merry Christmas from myself and the cast of the greatest Christmas movie ever made.

Hopefully you were all good this year so that Santa will bring you all that your heart's desire. Merry Christmas!!!

Fist to the Face Friday

2008-12-19T07:52:00.000-08:00

I have decided to start a little something new. I shall call this new concept: Fist to the Face Friday. Do you ever get the near uncontrollable urge to punch someone right in the facial area? I am really not a violent person or an angry person, but sometimes I just want to take my hand, clench it taught and swing. I have never actually punched anyone or anything, but if I changed my ways these are the people I would punch in the face. And now I present the first installment of Fist to the Face Friday.

I wish to punch the people who cancelled “Pushing Daisies” right in the face. I was just getting into that show and I quite enjoyed it. Now I find out they are canceling it mid season without even finishing the story?!! Rude! I haven’t been this upset since I found out that “Perfect Strangers” was coming to an end. “Pushing Daisies” had a really great cast, a unique concept and pretty colors all around. Now my life has been robbed of this little ray of light.

R.I.P. “Pushing Daisies”, I wish there was a real life Ned who could bring you back to life. You will be missed.

My heart's lost in New Orleans.

2008-12-17T13:14:00.001-08:00

My trip to the big easy is just 2 weeks away and I am more excited than a Mormon groom on his wedding night! I have been compiling a list of things I am stoked for/things I plan to do on this trip. I will be there for 5 days so I will have plenty of time to complete my list. In no order of importance, I now list the things I am looking forward to while I am soaking up the rich culture of one of our Nation’s oldest cities:

• Watching the Utes play in the Sugar Bowl (that’s a gimmie)
• 6 glorious work-free days.
• Spending some Q.T. with the aunt lady and the uncle man.
• Making a daily trip to Café Du monde for beignets.
• Wearing my Alex Smith jersey like a champ.
• Being able to say I once spent New Years Eve on Bourbon Street, even if it is only a walk down (I have been there and done that on a random Thursday night and it was nuts! I am not sure it will be all that fun on New Years Eve).
• Feasting my eyes upon some beautiful architecture.
• Allowing my ears to absorb some sick Jazz.
• Savoring some gumbo and lots deep fried things.
• Wearing light weight clothes in January (weather permitting).
• Convincing Michael to hook up with the nastiest chick I can find(inebriation permitting).
• Having strangers tell me to “Have a blessed day”.
• Hopefully hearing at least one resounding “Thank you Jesus!” (I am really crossing my fingers on that one).

I can hardly wait! I can practically smell the city as I sit here, and trust me- it has a smell.

Happy Holidays

2008-12-15T10:03:00.000-08:00

This is my first Christmas out on my own which means my very first Christmas tree!!! After careful consideration, I decided to just get a little guy because my place is just a little guy. I picked myself up this 4 1/2 ft pre-lit baby at my local Home Depot and decorated it with love. It just brings me such joy to see my tree all lit up with all the gifts so beautifully wrapped underneath.

Even Bob is feeling the Holiday spirit!

I am also really excited to make Christmas treats for my neighbors this weekend. I have made treats for neighbors in the past, but this year they are my very own neighbors and that makes me a little happy inside. I know I am kind of lame, but get over it!

Happy Holidays to you and yours!!

Sick. Grown Ups.

2008-12-10T11:12:00.001-08:00

Last night I experienced one of those moments where you kind of realize you are a grown up and it freaks you out a little. Let me give you the setting: I was walking through the grocery store talking on the phone to Beau and I run into my friend Greg. Greg and I met in a class at the U and being in the same major we started taking classes together so that we could do group projects and such. We graduated the same day and walked together at commencement. He is good people.
Anywho…
Upon running into him, I asked Beau to hold on a second and did a brief catch up with Greg. Just the usual “How have you been?”, “What are you up to?”, “Where are you working?” Talk. We parted ways and I returned to my phone conversation and the first words out of my mouth were, “Sorry, I just ran into an old college friend.”…an old college friend?! How scarily grown up does that sound?! I know it was just 6 months ago that I was in school but it still makes me feel really grown up to utter such a phrase.

I'm going to the Big Easy!!

2008-12-08T09:46:00.000-08:00

My vow of silence is over! The Utes are going to New Orleans to play Alabama in the Sugar Bowl and I will be right there to support them. Uncle Rhemus, Debbie and I have our tickets purchased, flight and hotel booked, and we are now focusing all of our positive energy towards this game. Alabama is a very good team and we will finally have a chance to show the whole country what we are made of (which I am praying will be amazing plays and mad skill).

Starting today I will be selling my body to earn money to pay for all of these expenses so if you are interested let me know.

GO UTES!!!!!!!!

Top 5- Bad Date Edition

2008-12-07T15:03:00.000-08:00

I am pretty sure that dating should come with a warning label or maybe just a Dr. Kevorkian kit. Whether you are on a blind date with some guy your aunt works with or that cute boy from class finally asked you out, things can turn ugly in the blink of an eye. One second he is playing a Counting Crows song for you on the piano, the next he is yelling at you for making a joke about Satan living down a dark dirt road you passed (true story…my bad). For this reason I have decided to list the top 5 signs that you are on a bad date. These are all dates that yours truly has lived through. I couldn’t make this stuff up.

5. You have so little in common with him that you actually reach a point of desperation on the date where you ask what the weather is like in Kansas City (his hometown) to which he replies, “I dunno, kind of like here” so you officially give up and spend the next hour and a half in complete silence.

4. Your date dons his old high school wrestling suit, drives you to a remote location at night, and asks you to climb an old railroad bridge to jump into the Jordan River. I’m sorry but I am not jumping into that cesspool ever… especially not in the dark! They find bodies floating in there for heaven’s sake!

3. You are on 1 blind date with 2 brothers. Turns out when their older brother tried to give one of them your number there was an argument as to who got it. The solution they came up with was for the 3 of you to all go out. Not weird at all!

2. He calls you up the night of the date and asks you to just meet him at the bar because he doesn’t want to drive “clear out there to pick you up”. That and he is already pretty drunk and “probably shouldn’t drive”. Because you are a little special you actually agree to meet him and go through with the date. Red flags were meant to be ignored right?

1. He takes you to a party with his friends. You fall asleep while watching a movie and when you awake he is making out with some other girl while still sitting right next to you. Sure it was probably poor manners for you to fall asleep, but does that really make it ok for your date to swap saliva with some other girl?

I think I know why the dog howls at the moon.

2008-12-03T08:22:00.000-08:00

I have loved this song since I was a little girl watching Brendan Frasier and Leslie Mann dance around a camp fire in the 1997 hit "George of the Jungle". It just makes my heart happy for some reason. So now I spread the joy to all of you. Enjoy!

Johnny Clegg is such a rad dude! I also wish to learn how to dance like that lady in the video.

A sign of the times

2008-11-29T17:04:00.000-08:00

4 years ago if you told Pete, Biggie and I that we would be at the institute we would have laughed. If you told us we would be there together we would have laughed so hard we cried. If you told us that it would be on a Friday night, we would have stopped laughing, looked at you with complete confusion and then probably have you committed. Well, it actually happened! I was bored of watching them play call of duty 4, they were no longer able to see straight from the game and we had nothing to do. Somehow Biggie's car made it up to the institute. I have to admit I would probably not go again, but it was good for 30 minutes of entertainment. Biggie and I raced through the blow up obstacle coarse (I won!), we watched a few minutes of some cartoon that was on and basically just took pictures to document this occurrence since it is kind of like a lunar eclipse. Here is the proof:

The three culprits

Pete and I

Sara called with some disturbing news...this is also the face I would have made at you 4 years ago if you had told me I would be here.

Biggie and I pre-race

Even though I whooped him in the race, we remain bosom buddies.

Top 5- Turkey day edition

2008-11-26T10:37:00.000-08:00

I really, really, reeeeeaaaaallllly dislike Thanksgiving. Many of you may be wondering how one could possibly despise a holiday. What has it ever done to me? Well, on this Thanksgiving eve I will tell you why I abhor turkey day. Without further ado, I give you my top 5 reasons for hating Thanksgiving:

5. There is never enough pumpkin pie to go around and I really love pumpkin pie.
4. Too many people in one place. Not enough places to sit.
3. Arguments are inevitable when you get extended family together. Arguments about football. Arguments about stuffing. Just arguments for argument’s sake.
2. You always eat until you get sick which is never enjoyable. Doesn’t matter who you are, you will eat yourself retarded on Thanksgiving.
1. Unnecessary stress brought on by the feeling that this must be the most magnificent meal ever prepared. Too many people in the kitchen, not enough help, something isn’t setting right…so many things to cause stress. I am telling you, it is not ok.

I don’t mean to be a pessimistic downer so having gotten all of this off my chest I hope you all have a very enjoyable Turkey day. I hope that yours is a stress-free, argument-free, pumpkin pie-filled day.

This doesn't count because I am not talking about football...

2008-11-25T07:49:00.000-08:00

But this picture is hilarious and needed to be posted.

I will likely be struck down by lightening soon after this posts. Thanks for the picture Trent! The comic value was worth the eternally dammed soul.

Come on. You knew it was coming...

2008-11-24T11:37:00.000-08:00

That's right! The Utes sent the kitty cats crying back to happy valley. I really cannot put into words how happy I was and all the emotions that I felt during the game. I really thought BYU was going to try harder and make this a close game, but I guess I gave them too much credit. Boy oh boy did out offense show up! I would really like to thank Max Hall for being one of the MVP's for the Utes. We really appreciated all of those interceptions you threw. I know I said the Shmaustin Shmollie blogs were done, but I have to say that Sean Smith quickly became a favorite of mine as I watched him taunt a certain wide receiver relentlessly. I will just leave it at that and let you all revel in the glory that is the University of Utah.

I promise not to blog about Utah football again until early December when they announce what BSC bowl we will be attending.

Top 5- Austin Collie Edition

2008-11-21T07:57:00.000-08:00

The big game is tomorrow so I promise this will be it for the Collie hating. I appreciate your patience with me through this '08 football season. Just to clarify, I feel that my hatred for Austin Collie stems from the fact that he basically embodies all things douchie about BYU. He is cocky, self righteous, ignorant and rude. For all of these reasons, I have decided to post my top 5 favorite Austin Collie quotes. This kid is just ridiculous…

5. “I just think it's absolutely ridiculous that people take something like that and blow it up. I really think it's because I'm a Mormon white kid from Brigham Young University." (really? You're going to blame it on your religion and race?)

4. "We can't expect everybody to just roll over. We took them for granted. We thought Utah State was going to lay down for us." (You're used to people laying down for you Austin? Does the BYU honor code know this?)

3. "I think every team in our conference - now that we are getting into conference - is out to beat us. And we are the king, and they want to take us off our throne." (Thank you TCU!)

2. "I think I'm a lot faster than the clock showed that one day," (Because clocks are well known liars.)

And finally, as you all expected, the mother of all quotes...

1. "I wouldn't say it was lucky. We executed the play well. We should have had another one (TD). Obviously, if you do what's right on and off the field, I think the Lord steps in and plays a part in it. Magic happens."

Hope you all wear your crimson tomorrow!! GO UTES!!!!!!

I'm sorry, but I had to.

2008-11-20T13:38:00.000-08:00

I know, I know. You are all really sick and tired of hearing about how much I hate Austin Collie but this one is too good to pass up!

A fellow Ute fan at work sent this picture to me. That cut-off-clad fellow is none other than Austin Collie who I am told is accompanied by his lovely bride (what was she thinking?). The Ute fan wannabe next to them is Dennis Pita and his ho. I am willing to recognize that these were Halloween costumes and heaven knows I have had my moments of less than modest Halloween costumes (Ho White as Uncle Rhemus calls it), but I was left to wonder…is this BYU honor code appropriate? With the exception of Mr. Pita, everyone else in this picture would be in direct violation of that code the last time I checked. I don’t know if it was wise for them to run about not living right so close to the big game. Also, I love that the best representation Pita could come up with for a U fan was a wig and a fanny pack. I can honestly say that I have never seen someone dressed like that at a University of Utah event. And the pregnant woman? Well at least our co-eds are attractive enough that someone would actually want to get them pregnant.

What makes you happy?

2008-11-18T08:36:00.000-08:00

First of all, happy rivalry week!! The big day is near, but I have decided to take a break from my anti-collie blogging to talk about something unrelated to football. Last night a good friend of mine came to visit me in all my pj’d and Chinese takeout glory and he asked me what makes me happy. I gave him a single answer at the moment, but it got me thinking of all the little things in life that make me happy. I started a list and now I shall share will all of you…

* Football (I know I said unrelated to football, but it does make me happy) specifically the Utes and the Sunday afternoon sort
* Ben and Jerry’s Ice cream of the Dave Matthews Magic Brownie persuasion
* Music
* Thoughtful or sweet text messages
* Cuddling up on a couch under a blanket
* Tea
* Penny tapping, Doorbell ditching, and all around tormenting a particular family. They know who they are, and most of you do as well
* Chinese takeout
* Hoodies
* Fresh snow
* Getting my hair did
* Shopping
* Boating
* Attending sporting events
* Camping with friends
* Bear Lake
* The movie “Say Anything”
* The song “I’m gonna be” by the Proclaimers
* Bridges
* Swings
* Movie nights
* Slumber parties
* Road trips
* Napping

Well, those are just a few that I could think of. So if anyone wants to send me a sweet text message, brings me some magic brownie ice cream, and cuddle on the couch in hoodies while having a movie night and sipping on tea, that would make me pretty happy.

A little black magic.

2008-11-07T10:29:00.000-08:00

Holy crap people...HO.LEE.CRAP!!!!! The Utes pulled out another win in the last 2 minutes of the game! I kind of feel like B.J. doesn't like to play unless he feels as though he has given at least half the stadium aneurysms. Why everyone sings his praises is completely beyond me. My feelings towards him are not those of love, but I will hold my tongue since he did pull it out again last night. I just wish he would play well for one whole game. Then I would be happy.

This game was not quite as epic as the Oregon state game; there was no running the clock down to the final second, but there was plenty of fear and doubt right up until the last 2 minutes of the game. Our defense played a well and did all they could to prevent TCU from scoring again but the offense was just struggling to do much of anything for a majority of the game. It was another time when most fans had given up. In the back of my mind I held out hope that we could pull another Oregon state game out, but we just hadn’t been doing so hot this game so I pushed the thought away. Then, in the final 5 minutes of the game TCU missed a field goal and we were given another chance, which we blew. Then it happened again!! TCU missed ANOTHER field goal. 2 missed field goals in a row! Do you know what that was? It was God’s hand coming into the game for a little assistance (right Austin Collie?). We somehow managed to not screw up on our second blessing from above and scored a touchdown. The game ended with a score of 13-10 in our favor and the horned frogs went home to Texas.

Now, and open letter to my most hated one:

Dear Austin Collie,
I hate you. I hope that as you witnessed the Utes emerge the victor in last night’s game that you cried and felt sorrow knowing that we did what you couldn’t. I don’t care if it was only a single solitary tear trickling down your cheek. I just hope that you cried. To be totally honest I would not have such a hatred for you if you were not such a giant D-bag. I mean you can’t go around saying stuff like, “Obviously, if you do what's right on and off the field, I think the Lord steps in and plays a part in it. Magic happens”. Really Austin Collie? Really? Well I hope you bring that “magic” with you when you venture up North because you will need it to wipe away your tears when we beat you. See you in 2 weeks!

Love,
Kirsten Dorius
Devoted University of Utah fan since 1985

Happy Blackout Day!!!

2008-11-06T11:58:00.000-08:00

GO UTES!!!!

We are mere hours away from the monumental Utah vs. TCU game. This game will be a defining moment in University of Utah football history and I want Austin Collie to cry when he sees that we beat the team they could not!

More Plyg Pictures

2008-11-03T10:08:00.000-08:00

I know you all wanted to see more pictures of Warren Jeffs and his wives...

Warren seems pretty ok with his living situation.

Trying to convert the sinner.

The sister wives hard at work doing what women should.

So far those who have seen these pictures have told me I look the most polygamist. I guess that is a compliment? Opinions??

Big weekend filled with costumes.

2008-11-02T16:03:00.000-08:00

It was quite the eventful weekend! First off, here are the pictures of my Hanna Montana get up, as promised:

I know...I look hot.

Friday night was filled with Halloween party hopping. Kristjan added to our FLDS costume by dressing as Warren Jeffs. Needless to say, we were the best costume at pretty much every event we attended:

Saturday was equally exciting, just minus costumes. Tay-tay and I had a girl's day. I took her to lunch and to see "Beverly Hills Chihuahua". I know what you are thinking- "Really Kirsten? You went to a movie with talking animals? Specifically talking chihuahuas? What were you thinking?". Well, the answer is that I was thinking about the best interest of a little girl named Taylor. I do have to admit, the movie was not the worst thing I have seen (that award still goes to "I know who killed me"). Here is a picture of the fabulous Taylor and myself out for girl's day:

Saturday evening Uncle Rhemus and I watched the U game. That game was waaaaaaaaay too close for my comfort! Post game I made a trip to Keys on Main with Beau where I ran into these crazy camera stealing hooligans:

Today has basically involved worshiping the Lord, watching some Sunday afternoon football and napping on my couch. Oh, and blogging. Just for the record, do you know what happens when you are on time to church? You get asked to give the opening prayer in relief society. Lesson learned.

Peace out homies.

This is Halloween, this is Halloween, la la la...

2008-10-31T07:40:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween everyone!!! Today is the greatest day of the year and I wanted to take some time to wish you all the best in your candy seeking (or booze drinking depending on who is reading this) endeavors.

As I type, I sit here dressed as Hannah Montana…blonde wig, tacky jewelry and all. Turns out that when everyone else said they would dress up, they kind of meant they would throw on a Halloween T-shirt and some cat ears. No matter, I am Hannah Montana and I get the best of both worlds!!! Tonight I will be a FLDS woman with a large group of girls. Pictures of both costumes are to follow.

For now, here is a picture of the pumpkin I carved the other night:

It isn't quite as impressive as the Prince pumpkin my fellow carver Kristjan did, but it will do considering I don't even have a porch to put it on.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!

Update: a woman in my office just called me Paris Hilton. I am furious.

Update #2: my boss told me I should keep the dark hair.

I hate Austin Collie!

2008-10-29T08:24:00.000-07:00

This is just a friendly reminder for all you BYU fans out there:

And to all you amazing Ute fans: Let's keep cheering the boys on towards victory! We want another 2004 season biotches!! I know Uncle Rhemus and I would very much enjoy another trip to the Fiesta Bowl.

GO UTES!!!!!!!!!!